The Movie Slut is Officially Moving!

I know, I know... It's been months since I've posted.

My life got a LOT busier there for a while. Then I moved to Vegas. Then I've been busy looking for a job. And now that I've finally got some free time, I'm moving again.

But this time I'm relocating electronically! I was approached by a Las Vegan (yeah, that's really what they're called) that was looking for a movie reviewer. I linked him to my stuff, sure that my irreverent foul mouth would exclude me from any such team environment. Turns out, it wasn't the case at all. He's pretty fucking irreverent too.

The site is an easy one to remember/find. It's called GameTechWorld.com and the owner has some big plans for it. Big plans. Maybe something really cool will come from it, maybe not. Either way, I'll still be reviewing the same weird movies. Now I'm just contributing to something bigger. The only drawback is that I'll have to hold my tongue a smidge. Ass stays ass, but fucking turns to f***ing. You get the idea.

I was feeling the itch to get back to reviewing again. Now I've found a home for my thoughts. My readers get the added benefit of some game and technology reviews along with their film reviews. And I get the added benefit of educating some tasteless gamers about what makes a good film. ;-)

See ya there kids!

P.S. My reviews show up as "Written by Jarvis". My real name, who'd have thought...

The Uninvited Guest (El Habitante Incierto) - 2004

What It Is: A bad ass psychological romp from Spain.

Why I Watched It: I have no idea. I stuck it in the Netflix Queue for a reason, but I'll be damned if I could remember why.

What I Thought: Sneakily, unexpectedly awesome!

Dude has a spat with his girl and she moves out. As soon as she does, he starts hearing odd noises in his house. He starts to believe these noises are made by someone in the house. As time goes on, dude starts to think these noises are actually being made by someone who's living in his house.

And the bizarrely fucking awesome just amplifies from there!!

Highlights: Parallels man, parallels.

Who Should See It: Smart people that like crazy, cool, weirdly, awesome movies.

How Soon: Sooner the better. This one's really good people!

Review Dump - June 2008

War, Inc. - 2008

What It Is: Witty satire on the privatization of the military.
What I Thought: Equal parts funny, thought-provoking, and scary!

Robocop - 1987

What It Is: Old-school ultra-violent sci-fi action movie.
What I Thought: I watched some graphic shit as a kid, and still love it today!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 2008

What It Is: The first Indy movie in 19 years.

What I Thought: Just as awesome as the originals, and Shia was cool too.

F*ck - 2005

What It Is: A fun and funny documentary on a very flexible word.
What I Thought: A lot of really fucking funny fuckers enter-fucking-tained me.

Fool's Gold - 2008

What It Is: Adventure film with the dim-witted but lovable McConaughey.
What I Thought: A dim-witted but lovable film.

The Edge of Heaven (Auf der anderen Seite) - 2007

What It Is: A gritty drama by the director of Head On.
What I Thought: Visceral, but not quite as cool as Head On.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (Das Parfum – Die Geschichte eines Mörders) - 2006

What It Is: A beautiful, if difficult to explain, German film.

Why I Watched It: Recommended to me by a few close friends.

What I Thought: Incredible!

Perfume tells the story of an orphan in 1700's France with a supernaturally potent sense of smell. He becomes obsessed with cataloguing and experiencing every smell in the world. But there is one smell far more intoxicating than any others, the smell of innocence. Unfortunately, this proves a very difficult smell to preserve and his attempts lead to the murders of a several local virgins.

Perfume was beautifully executed from the uniquely disturbing (and equal parts enthralling) story, to the excellent camera work, and the great performances. This movie was fantastic because of and in addition to its strangeness. What more can you really ask for?

Highlights: Gorgeous girls, an excellent lead by Ben Whishaw, beautifully shot, and an awesomely original story!

Who Should See It: Dark fantasy fans, slasher fans, and crime buffs.

How Soon: Now!

Soldier - 1998

What It Is: A fucking awesome Kurt Russel sci-fi flick!

Why I Watched It: It was free and I couldn't remember if it was good or not.

What I Thought: I was . . . moved.

You think I'm joking? Not at all.

On the surface, Soldier is a sci-fi actioner about an aging vet that's replaced by a new breed of genetically engineered super soldiers only to face off against them when they threaten innocent refugees. If that's all it had going for it, Soldier still would've been entertaining.

Dig just a bit deeper (chemically aided or otherwise), however, and Soldier has a whole lot more going for it. It's really the story of a little boy handpicked by the military to be the perfect soldier. This boy (and others like him) was raised by the military from birth. Instead of playing, he learned close combat. Instead of catch, he learned how to keep his shot group tight with an automatic weapon. Most importantly however, he was never taught anything else. He was never socialized beyond military discipline, he never interacted with civilians and he never got a vacation. You get the idea.

So when you go deeper, Soldier is about this little boy who's forced to interact with civilians for the first time in his life. Abandoned by the military that trained him, he has to find a new purpose in life. He has to cope with his PTSD. He has to learn to let his guard down. He has to learn how to be human!

Not only is this emotional ride pulled off brilliantly, but Soldier struck me pretty hard because it resonated strongly with me by reminding me of my military friends and my 'Nam vet father. I strongly feel this was Kurt Russel's best performance EVER. When he's doing soldier things, he's a calm and confident alpha male. When that same grown man is hugged for the first time ever, he's a quivering frightened little boy. It's fucking amazing!

Highlights: Kurt's boyish blue eyes, the growl, Sean Pertwee, Gary Busey, fun action and an emotionally gripping story!

Who Should See It: Action fans, soldiers, and Russel or Busey fans.

How Soon: Sooner the better. Moved, man, moved!

Mad Money - 2008

*I never would've watched this movie voluntarily. So a Mini-Slut graciously provided this review for us!*

What it is: A tale of three women who work for the Federal Reserve who plot to steal the soon-to-be recycled cash.

Why I Watched It: I like Queen Latifah (especially in Chicago) and I assumed that she could do no wrong. Obviously, I was mistaken, but I blame Katie.

What I Thought: Oh dear god, where to begin…First of all, I couldn’t finish it.

I hated all of the characters in the movie, except for Queen Latifah’s character. She was stealing money to pay for better schools for her kids. Diane Keaton was a selfish Upper Middle Class house wife who couldn’t take responsibility for her consumerist lifestyle. Not a very flattering role, I’m more used to you being neurotic and horny. Katie Holmes’s character is a twit. Not a far reach for someone of her acting capacity, but shit I’d lick toilet bowls to get away from Tom Cruise biting my ankles and poking me with toy lasers.

But the story was not very believable. They’d walk out of the Reserve with cash sticking out of their underwear in full sight of everyone, like they were strippers. Who exactly are they fooling? Tom Cruise maybe?

Also they have their facts wrong. According to IMDB: When currency is destroyed at a Federal Reserve, it is carefully accounted for: serial number, denomination, and destroy date. During cash processing, no employee at the Federal Reserve is allowed to be left alone with the money. In Federal Reserve cash processing facilities, multiple denominations of money are never allowed to mingle.

So, my theory is: Katie Holmes paid some poor writer [to give] her a part that was easy to act out so she could get away from her bat-shit crazy husband and his sci-fi nutjob followers. And she must’ve paid Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah a shitload of money to go in on it, to make it look like a legitimate movie. Katie, you are a sly one.

Highlights: The Screensaver on the DVD after I turned it off.

Who Should See It: [She didn't say, but I'm guessing no one.]

How Soon: [Again, she didn't say. I'm guessing never.]

*I'm the Movie Slut and I approve this message. :-P*

Lament for Contact Lenses... Update!

The God-of-Old-School-Cartoon-to-Shiny-New-Movie-Conversions does exist! And he heard me!


Happiest Movie Slut EVER!