The Hand - 1981

What It Is: Stephen King-esque horror film, written and directed by Oliver Stone. Weird huh?

Why I Watched It: Plot synopsis alone.

What I Thought: Not bad.

Here's the plot. A comic artist loses his hand in a car accident and it's never recovered. His disability makes him more and more irritable until he becomes a proper fucker. Because of his growing hate, in addition to it, or for some other unknown reason, his severed hand decides it's time to get revenge on all the people making his life difficult.

How fucking awesome is that?! Unfortunately, as good as the plot is, the movie itself just doesn't pack the punch it should. It's far less disturbing than it should be and simply plays out like Addams Family's "Thing" on a strangling rampage. I got real tired of watching people get strangled by a disembodied hand. Perhaps my expectations were too high?

The one saving grace of the film is a kick ass faux twist at the end. I don't recall any other film doing this, but I've been wrong before.

Did I mention The Hand stars Michael Caine? No? It's probably because his performance really wasn't worth mentioning.

Highlights: The awesome car accident scene. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Who Should See It: Only hardcore Caine fans or people that LOVE Stephen King knock offs.

How Soon: Skip it.

Outpost - 2008

What It Is: Military horror featuring invisible Nazi super soldiers and Unified Field Theory!

Why I Watched It: Military horror is almost always worth my while.

What I Thought: I wasn't disappointed.

A team of mercenaries leads a scientist to an old Nazi bunker. They think he's looking for Nazi gold, he's really looking for the secret "device" at the bottom. They find a bunch of dead bodies that were apparently used as test subjects. Test subjects used to create invincible, immortal Nazi super soldiers that can turn invisible at will. Super soldiers that have been waiting at the outpost all this time. Waiting to for fresh victims.

Cue the dramatic music.

It sounds cheesy and weird. I assure you it is. But it's also incredibly good fun!

Highlights: The machine, the inclusion of unified field theory, mention of the U.S.S. Eldridge and the fascinating wikipedia search it inspired, and Invisibly Invincible Nazi Super Soldiers!!

Who Should See It: Military Horror fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Pumpkinhead - 1988

What It Is: Weird slasher morality tale with Lance Henriksen.

Why I Watched It: The name kept coming up in horror circles and I thought it was time to see what all the fuss was.

What I Thought: Aside from the awesome performance I expected from Henriksen, Pumkinhead was quite good!

A bunch of rich city kids head to the country with their dirt bikes. When one accidentally runs down Henriksen's son, Lance calls up the ultimate force of revenge for a man slighted by another, Pumpkinhead. The demon is summoned as the facilitator of Henriksen's vengeance, but was his decision justified? The rest of the film involves a surprising number of moral questions regarding crime and punishment, slasher movie style.

Highlights: The monster, the summoning, slasher morality, and sacrifice.

Who Should See It: Horror and slasher fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Review Dump - March 2008

I can't remember the last time I was this busy. My schedule is just full and it's been hard to find time for reviews. Without including all the boring details, here's the first ever Movie Slut Review Dump. Perhaps I'll give some or all of these titles a proper treatment someday down the road. Meanwhile, I hope you don't find the temporary change of format too offensive.














The Bank Job - 2008
What It Is: Dramatization of a real-life 1971 bank robbery.
What I Thought: A damn fine hiest film.














Hell Comes To Frogtown - 1987
What It Is: Post-apocalyptic cult film starring Rowdy Roddy.
What I Thought: Terrible enough to be pretty fun.














Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte Des Loups) - 2001
What It Is: Werewolves vs. Native American martial artists, in 18th century France.
What I Thought: Ridiculous...ly awesome!














Night Hawks - 1981
What It Is: Stalone the cop chases Rutger the arsonist.
What I Thought: Good cop movie with a good villain.














Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-Hime)- 1997
What It Is: Anime about nature vs. industry/humanity.
What I Thought: One of the best Anime films ever!














Hard Boiled (Lat Sau San Taam) - 1992
What It Is: John Woo's last film before Hollywood.
What I Thought: Ranking #5 for the highest on-screen body count, what the fuck do you think? One of the greatest action films ever made!














Falling Down - 1993
What It Is: The Warriors with a shirt and tie.
What I Thought: Funny and frightening in the best possible way!














The Quest - 1996
What It Is: Van Damme and Roger Moore in a pulpy adventure flick.
What I Thought: Enjoyable when not taken seriously.














Perfect Creature - 2006
What It Is: The vampire film The Breed should've been.
What I Thought: Weak plot, gorgeous movie.











Planet Earth - 2006
What It Is: Most expensive nature show ever.
What I Thought: Best nature documentary ever!














The Beastmaster - 1982
What It Is: Classic sword and sorcery flick.
What I Thought: A little cheesy, but very very fun.














Targets - 1968
What It Is: Aging Boris Karloff vs. a psycho sniper.
What I Thought: A darkly enjoyable classic.














Doomsday - 2008
What It Is: Another Underworld/Equilibrium/Resident...
What I Thought: Just as good/bad as the movies it rips off.

Blacula - 1972

What It Is: A surprisingly watchable blaxploitation take on classic vampire films!

Why I Watched It: I dig vampires, I dig the delightful 'wrongness' that is exploitation cinema. What's not to love about a movie that combines both?

What I Thought: It was actually pretty good!

NY Diva was dead on when she said, "it combines campy blaxploitation movies with campy horror movies" and let me tell you friends, these are two great tastes that taste great together.

The plot made more sense than a lot of today's horror films, the acting was way better than I'd hoped, and the effects (from bullets to bites to burning vampires) were good too! That covers all the vampire movie parts of the flick, but what about it's exploitation side?

I've seen a lot of grindhouse and exploitation movies, but let me tell ya' turkeys, Blacula just jumped to the top of the list! The fro's are big, the clothes are pimp, and the slang epithets are common enough to make this Generation Y movie slut all kinds of politically uncomfortable. Words like "nigger" and "faggot" were thrown around by black actors as well as white, without a single one being used negatively. The fact that they were simply labels was the most unnerving part!

Don't let a bit of outdated language turn you away though, Blacula is good vampire flick and an above par blaxploitation film.

Dig This!: Awesome dialogue, decent plot, fantastic costumes, a character named "Skillet", good action, and actual flames on actual people!

Who Should See It: Blaxploitation fans and vampire fans everywhere.

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever you want!

Shrooms - 2007

What It Is: A few American backpackers meet an Irish friend for a nice shroom trip in the woods... and are then stalked by a serial killer.

Why I Watched It: It's a slasher movie about shrooms!

What I Thought: It wasn't a very good horror movie about shrooms.


The film follows the horribly standardized slasher movie plot seen in House of 1000 Corpses, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Touristas, etc. The violence in Shrooms wasn't at all groundbreaking so it had very little to offer aside from the novel concept of having the poor victims be tripping during the whole thing.

The fact that all the survivors were high meant that many strange visuals and scares could be easily justified since the sights didn't actually have to be real at all! It was an interesting twist, but not enough to redeem the movie from mediocrity.

Speaking of twists, there's a decent reveal at the end but again, it just wasn't enough.

Highlights: The reveal and an awesome setting in the mist woods of Ireland.

Who Should See It: I don't know. Bored horror buffs I suppose.

How Soon: No hurry.

Assault on Precinct 13 - 1976

What It Is: John Carpenter's second film and a classic action/horror movie.

Why I Watched It: Cause it is a flagship title in one of my favorite sub-genres, siege movies.

What I Thought: This movie holds up surprisingly well for being 30 years old. It's just as chilling, unsettling, spooky, and classic as it was originally.

Since precinct 13 is moving to a new building, only a skeleton crew is left around for the place's last night. An unexpected guest arrives and the crew soon discovers he's being hounded by the toughest street gang in L.A. The good guys have to team up with the bad or no one will make it out alive.

It's got all the best action and themes from Night of the Living Dead 'cept we leave out the zombies and substitute intelligent, cooperative, gang bangers with automatic weapons!

Highlights: Napoleon, a non-comical strong black lead, and the first death of the film proving the movie is going to take an unexpected route.

Who Should See It: Carpenter fans, action fans, and horror fans!

How Soon: Right now!

Assault on Precinct 13 (Special Edition)

One Missed Call - 2007

What It Is: A mediocre American remake of a (probably much better) Japanese thriller.

Why I Watched It: I wanted to see a movie with a friend and there wasn't much else to see that week.

What I Thought: Blah.

Unoriginal and poorly told ghost story that felt way too much like The Ring. Apparently, I'm not the first to think so either. The almighty Wikipedia says, "Although the film is a remake of Chakushin Ari, the film has been strongly criticised of borrowing plot elements and being similar to The Grudge, The Ring and Pulse." It's worth mentioning that this particular Wikipedia quote is backed by six citations.

Highlights: I'm starting to dig Edward Burns.

Who Should See It: Seriously, the film features nothing new. Skip it.

How Soon: SKIP IT

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - 2007

What It Is: Film version of a twisted Broadway musical about a 19th-century, revenge fueled, serial killing barber that bakes his victims into meat pies and serves them back to the public.

Why I Watched It: In the words of one of my very favorite actors, and the star of this cinematic gem, "How many chances do you get at a musical about a serial killer?"

What I Thought: Amazing! Incredibly! Expletive! After watching a high school production of Guys and Dolls, then seeing Moulin Rouge and the recent Chicago and now Sweeney Todd, I will officially go on record to profess my love for musicals. Of course, this should really be interpreted as a love for "good" musicals and Sweeney Todd was the best I've seen to date!

Surprisingly though, Sweeney Todd was more than a good musical. It was a good horror film, it was a fantastic revenge story and incredibly suspenseful. Sweeney Todd is fucking brilliant!

Highlights: Laughing in the face of the macabre, buckets of blood, an amazing Johnny Depp, a slew of cameos, awesome songs, a great revenge tale, and one hell of a villain!

Who Should See It: Depp's legion of fans and anyone that's as intrigued by the slasher/musical combination as I was. Seriously, if you're the slightest bit curious, you'll love the movie!

How Soon: An amazing film, just in time for the holidays! Use it as an escape when the big reunited family events start to wear on your patience. Nothin' says relief like tons of laughs and tons of blood.

I Am Legend - 2007

What It Is: Post-apocalyptic horror adaptation of the 50's novel.

Why I Watched It: Post-apocalyptic vampire movie!

What I Thought: It was good. I was stupid.

I knew the storyline from the book and was silly enough to expect the movie to cover the same ground. I was even silly enough to begin looking forward to it. I should have known.

The Movie Sluts #1 Rule: Don't expect anything from a film and you will rarely be disappointed.

Legend was a good horror flick, lots of jumpy scares and some pretty disturbing images. My friend went in with no expectations (good boy that one) and was very pleased with the whole production. The landscapes and sets were gorgeous by the way.

Highlights: Post-apocalyptic New York, truly scary vampire beasties, and a believably crazy Will Smith!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, horror fans, and Will Smith's following.

How Soon: Shouldn't lose much on DVD.

Werewolves On Wheels - 1971

What It Is: A low-budget "biker exploitation film".

Why I Watched It: See previous posts regarding my love for werewolves, then add "On Wheels."

What I Thought: Catchy titles don't make good movies. Someday, I might actually learn that lesson.

The movie has very little to do with werewolves and much more to do with actual bikers going through their daily lives. It could almost be a documentary if not for the sad attempt to throw in a werewolf mask and attempt to connect events with some sort of plot.

Highlights: None really, though the mystic biker ("Tarot") was kind of cool I guess.

Who Should See It: No one.

How Soon: Don't bother.

Satan's Little Helper - 2004

What It Is: A super low budget slasher flick.

Why I Watched It: I'm not really sure. Probably the name.

What I Thought: It was a bad movie, very bad, but it did have an interesting premise.

A little kid idolizes Satan and sees a killer dressed as Satan during Halloween. As a game, he decides to 'help' the killer go about his business thinking all the victims are playing along and all the blood is "special effects". Yeah, it's hard to swallow and even harder to execute well in a film. But it's pretty fucking disturbing when you think about it!

Highlights: The kid's impressive innocence, Katheryn Winnick is pretty cute, and "Satan's" mask was really fucking creepy.

Who Should See It: Hard core slasher fans are probably the only ones that could tolerate it.

How Soon: Take your time.

Monster Dog - 1984

What It Is: A bad werewolf movie starring 80s rocker Alice Cooper.

Why I Watched It: It was a cheesy werewolf movie with a cheesy 80s celebrity. How could I not?

What I Thought: Monster Dog was as cheesy as expected but not quite fun enough to be 'good'.

I won't bother detailing the plot because it's basically the same as every other 80s werewolf movie. I will say the movie featured 2 very bad/fun music videos by Mr. Cooper that may be of interest to the general public.

Highlights: Alice Cooper's videos and that's about it.

Who Should See It: Only Alice Cooper fans and people that are determined to see werewolf movies of all sorts, no matter how bad. People like me.

How Soon: Don't bother, there's no need.

The Toxic Avenger - 1985

What It Is: The flagship title from Troma about a geeky kid that becomes a monstrous hero.

Why I Watched It: I had never seen it.

What I Thought: It was awful but in a very intentionally enjoyable way. There's definitely a reason The Toxic Avenger earned its cult status.

The movie was originally intended as a horror film about an abused nerd that becomes a monstrous killing machine, but the hero vibe makes it much more of a campy and excessively violent action movie.

Highlights: Hilariously awful dialogue, gratuitous violence, and lots of topless women. What's not to love?!

Who Should See It: Appreciators of campy classics and superhero fans.

How Soon: It would make for a good rental with all your friends.

Class of Nuke 'Em High - 1986

What It Is: A classic B-Movie from Troma Studios.

Why I Watched It: Troma brought us the Toxic Avenger. This is the beginning of my Troma education.

What I Thought: It was funny, and bad, and cheesy, and gross. All Troma all the way.

Was it good? Hard to say. If you like horror comedy with no intention of being "high" art, give it a shot.

Highlights: Crissy was cute and man-eating toxic baby monsters are always fun!

Who Should See It: Fans of really bad horror films.

How Soon: Whenever you're in the mood to laugh and wretch at the same time.

Night of the Demons - 1988

What It Is: "A group of hormonal teeny-boppers turn a creepy old house into party central and unknowingly unleash an ancient demon that chooses, uh, very Bloody Marys as his drink of choice!"

Why I Watched It: The plot synopsis sounded deliciously horrible.

What I Thought: There was nothing delicious about Night of the Demons. It was just fucking horrible.

The movie took almost an hour for the first person to die. A half dozen or so other deaths slowly followed, with below average make-up.

Highlights: The absolute only thing worthwhile in this film is the very last scene, the very last death.

Who Should See It: Not nobody!

How Soon: Do not pay to see this movie, not even a rental, not even a download. If it happens to be playing at a friend's house, tell them to let you know when the last scene comes up.

The Burning - 1981

What It Is: An early slasher film written by the Weinstein brothers.

Why I Watched It: Looking into The Uninvited Guest on Amazon, I noticed The Burning listed under one of those "customers viewing this item also purchased..." sections.

What I Thought: The plot is a bit similar to Friday the 13th, but not to the point of plagiarism. Tom Savini (played "Sex Machine" in From Dusk Till Dawn and worked make-up for Friday the 13th and Romero's Living Dead films) was in charge of special effects and make-up, but there just weren't enough killings to really do him justice.

Most of the Burning is less than spectacular, yet it's the movie's cast that made it so watchable. Not for their awesome performances mind you, rather The Burning happens to be the shared first film of so many notable actors. Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter, Fisher Stevens and Brian Backer were all on board. Most had bit parts, but Jason Alexander actually had a strong supporting role and a full head of hair!

Highlights: Worst practical joke ever, Jason Alexander with hair, and a nice first death scene.

Who Should See It: Slasher aficionados and Tom Savini fans.

How Soon: Whenever you're dying to see Holly Hunter's or Jason Alexander's first film.

The Stuff - 1985

What It Is: A horror gem from the 80's involving a mysterious tasty substance the becomes the latest low-calorie dessert craze, and begins turning the populace into zombies.

Why I Watched It: A coworker described the outrageous plot to me and I knew I had to find it!

What I Thought: For being a cheesy movie with a preposterous plot, The Stuff really wasn't too bad. Several parts were damn funny and several other parts featured make-up reminiscent of Cronenberg. Over-the-top performances by Michael Moriarty and Paul Sorvino didn't hurt the film either.

A worthwhile mention involves the debate surrounding possible political satire in the plot. People compare the addictive substance to everything from consumerism to big tobacco.

Highlights: Incredibly quotable lines like "Enough is never enough, of The Stuff," and too many classic B-movie moments to count.

Who Should See It: Fans of 80's style cheese, and people interested in a horror film chock full of political satire and Stuff!

How Soon: Any time.

30 Days of Night - 2007

What It Is: A nice conversion of a comic detailing 30 days of darkness in the northernmost town in Alaska... and the vampires that decide to vacation there.

Why I Watched It: Because the comic fucking ROCKED!

What I Thought: 30 Days was a damn good vampire film and a good comic to screen translation. It wasn't quite as literal a translation as Sin City or 300, but the changes were fairly minor and didn't detract from the enjoyment of the movie.

And this movie featured buckets of enjoyment. Realistic and visceral buckets of enjoyment. By enjoyment I of course mean bloodshed, but that's what you want from a vampire film right?

30 Days of Night was one of the most atmospheric horror films I've seen in a long time. Moments of truly copious violence were spaced out by moody sequences focusing on the terror and paranoia of the protagonists. Much of the violence actually took place off camera with the survivors only hearing the screams or merely finding the aftermath. 30 Days drove it's point home brilliantly: No one is coming for you, you can't escape, there are more of them, and you are their food!

I also want to take the time to mention the particular nature of the vampires featured in 30 Days. They weren't Anne Rice's sexy immortals and they weren't Blade's stylish villains. They were intelligent blood spattered predators with a thirst so great that every decision regarded finding the next meal. Think of intelligent and fast zombies, but switch food sources and you have the right idea. The vampires in 30 Days were no longer people, they fucking ATE people.

Highlights: One man's idea of "saving" his family, the crane shot over the massacre, vampires hunting with bait, and the often overlooked axe as a vampire slaying weapon!

Who Should See It: Horror fans, comic geeks, and vampire lovers.

How Soon: A good scare just in time for Halloween? Perfect!

Dagon - 2001

What It Is: An adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow Over Innsmouth.

Why I Watched It: I have a passing interest in the Cthulhu Mythos (the world and stories created by Lovecraft).

What I Thought: Crazy, crazy Spanish villagers fell on hard times, prayed to the fish god Dagon, and became little fish people servants as a result. Weird.

Dagon wasn't an exceptionally good horror movie. I think it was even below average fair, but it did encapsulate the standard Cthulhu themes pretty well. Regular people get faced with ancient evils far beyond their ability and comprehension and then must fight the losing battle in opposition or take the easy path of insanity.

Highlights: Freaky fish people and their freaky fishy limbs!

Who Should See It: Fans of "excellent" Lovecraft inspired films like The Re-Animator.

How Soon: Take your time.