Review Dump - June 2008

War, Inc. - 2008

What It Is: Witty satire on the privatization of the military.
What I Thought: Equal parts funny, thought-provoking, and scary!

Robocop - 1987

What It Is: Old-school ultra-violent sci-fi action movie.
What I Thought: I watched some graphic shit as a kid, and still love it today!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 2008

What It Is: The first Indy movie in 19 years.

What I Thought: Just as awesome as the originals, and Shia was cool too.

F*ck - 2005

What It Is: A fun and funny documentary on a very flexible word.
What I Thought: A lot of really fucking funny fuckers enter-fucking-tained me.

Fool's Gold - 2008

What It Is: Adventure film with the dim-witted but lovable McConaughey.
What I Thought: A dim-witted but lovable film.

The Edge of Heaven (Auf der anderen Seite) - 2007

What It Is: A gritty drama by the director of Head On.
What I Thought: Visceral, but not quite as cool as Head On.

Soldier - 1998

What It Is: A fucking awesome Kurt Russel sci-fi flick!

Why I Watched It: It was free and I couldn't remember if it was good or not.

What I Thought: I was . . . moved.

You think I'm joking? Not at all.

On the surface, Soldier is a sci-fi actioner about an aging vet that's replaced by a new breed of genetically engineered super soldiers only to face off against them when they threaten innocent refugees. If that's all it had going for it, Soldier still would've been entertaining.

Dig just a bit deeper (chemically aided or otherwise), however, and Soldier has a whole lot more going for it. It's really the story of a little boy handpicked by the military to be the perfect soldier. This boy (and others like him) was raised by the military from birth. Instead of playing, he learned close combat. Instead of catch, he learned how to keep his shot group tight with an automatic weapon. Most importantly however, he was never taught anything else. He was never socialized beyond military discipline, he never interacted with civilians and he never got a vacation. You get the idea.

So when you go deeper, Soldier is about this little boy who's forced to interact with civilians for the first time in his life. Abandoned by the military that trained him, he has to find a new purpose in life. He has to cope with his PTSD. He has to learn to let his guard down. He has to learn how to be human!

Not only is this emotional ride pulled off brilliantly, but Soldier struck me pretty hard because it resonated strongly with me by reminding me of my military friends and my 'Nam vet father. I strongly feel this was Kurt Russel's best performance EVER. When he's doing soldier things, he's a calm and confident alpha male. When that same grown man is hugged for the first time ever, he's a quivering frightened little boy. It's fucking amazing!

Highlights: Kurt's boyish blue eyes, the growl, Sean Pertwee, Gary Busey, fun action and an emotionally gripping story!

Who Should See It: Action fans, soldiers, and Russel or Busey fans.

How Soon: Sooner the better. Moved, man, moved!

The Core - 2003

What It Is: Sci-fi tale about a trip to the earth's core, sans any primeval jungles or dinosaurs.

Why I Watched It: I was in the mood for pretty visuals.

What I Thought: It delivered on the visuals, but that's about it.

The whole movie was pretty mediocre. Mediocre plot, mediocre performances, and a mostly mediocre cast. Save for Delroy Lindo. I fucking love that guy!

The Core is certainly pretty, but that's really about it.

Highlights: The idea of using WMDs to save the world, Delroy Lindo, Aaron Eckhart, a cheesy fun hacker part, and pretty effects.

Who Should See It: I'd suggest it only to hard core sci-fi fans.

How Soon: Take your time. It's not getting any better and it probably won't get any worse.

Iron Man - 2008

What It Is: Um, the big Hollywood movie based on Iron Man.

Why I Watched It: It was shiny!

What I Thought: A very fun comic movie.

Strangely enough, it felt a little more adult than your average Spider-Man or Superman tale. I'm not sure if it was Robert Downey's smart ass playboy role or the fact that Iron Man actually kills bad guys rather than just tying them up.

Regardless, the movie was fun and funny. Pretty goes without saying, this whole new generation of comic movies is sexy as hell and Iron Man was no different. Gwyneth Paltrow was as forgettable as always. God, I hate that woman. Jeff Bridges played a good maniacal villain though!

Did I mention Iron Man was really, really funny! Like surprisingly so!

I should mention, when you watch the film. Stay through the credits for a surprise cameo buy everyone's favorite Sam.

Highlights: The name of Stark's digital butler, an awesome performance from Robert Downey, and lots of funny bits!

Who Should See It: Comic fans, action fans, and the significant others that are dragged along with them.

How Soon: Makes a good theater trip while you wait for Indiana Jones 4!

Ice Pirates - 1984

What It Is: Classic sci-fi/action/comedy!

Why I Watched It: Me and a friend were exchanging sci-fi favorites from our childhood.

What I Thought: Just as much fun as it was when I was 8!

In the distant future, the galaxy runs dry. The only planet left with any water becomes the tyrannical controlling government and ships ice to other planets that depend on it. A few rogues are determined to engage in a little free enterprise and liberate some of this ice, until they get word of a lost water planet that will make them all rich.

Though Ice Pirates is a bit dated, it's still a lot of crazy fun.

Highlights: Ron Pearlman, blasters, swords, unicorns, androids, robots, toilet humor, space herpes, passion storms, timewarps, frog women, Mad Max style land vehicles, and swashbuckling abound!

Who Should See It: Fans of cheesy sci-fi, 80's movies, comedies, pirate movies, and especially cheesy 80's sci-fi pirate comedy movies!

How Soon: Whenever you're ready to be a kid again.

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone - 1983

What It Is: 80's sci-fi at its best/worst.

Why I Watched It: A buddy recommend it as a childhood classic.

What I Thought: Decent special effects, decent 80's cast, and a lot of cheesy fun!

The cast (Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Ernie Hudson, and Michael Ironside) all came together to make this movie as fun as it was. With all the industrial clunk of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and the fantastic creatures of Krull, Spacehunter was one hell of an adventure movie.

I didn't even want to strangle Molly Ringwald! That right there says a lot. Looking at the poster, I'm just pissed that I never got to see this movie in 3-D.

Highlights: Dragons, corpulent pod people, sexy water nymphs, pulpy heroes, and cybernetic villains galore!

Who Should See It: Children of the 80s and bad sci-fi fans of any age.

How Soon: Whenever.

Warriors of the Wasteland (I Nuovi Barbari) - 1982

What It Is: Truly bizarre Italian venture into the post-apocalyptic action genre.

Why I Watched It: Post-Apocalyptic storyline featuring Fred Williamson!

What I Thought: It's Italian, it's super low budget, and it's really, really strange. But don't let that turn you away. The action is surprisingly good and even the acting isn't bad. Death Race 2000 would make for a pretty good comparison and if you've never heard of Death Race you should probably skip Warriors of the Wasteland.

After the nuclear apocalypse, some people just try to survive while others are determined to finish the genocide that the war started. This latter group also happens to sport hairstyles straight from 80's metal bands, refer to each other with names like Shadow and One, and have unexpected sexual desires for our bad ass hero type. Very strange movie.

Highlights: Fred Williamson's explosive arrowheads, the genius child mechanic, hot love interest, homosexual genocidal big-hair barbarians, and the slowest land vehicles in any post-apocalyptic movie ever!

Who Should See It: Fans of terribly awesome sci-fi!

How Soon: Anytime.

Outpost - 2008

What It Is: Military horror featuring invisible Nazi super soldiers and Unified Field Theory!

Why I Watched It: Military horror is almost always worth my while.

What I Thought: I wasn't disappointed.

A team of mercenaries leads a scientist to an old Nazi bunker. They think he's looking for Nazi gold, he's really looking for the secret "device" at the bottom. They find a bunch of dead bodies that were apparently used as test subjects. Test subjects used to create invincible, immortal Nazi super soldiers that can turn invisible at will. Super soldiers that have been waiting at the outpost all this time. Waiting to for fresh victims.

Cue the dramatic music.

It sounds cheesy and weird. I assure you it is. But it's also incredibly good fun!

Highlights: The machine, the inclusion of unified field theory, mention of the U.S.S. Eldridge and the fascinating wikipedia search it inspired, and Invisibly Invincible Nazi Super Soldiers!!

Who Should See It: Military Horror fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Cloverfield - 2008

What It Is: A street view of a giant monster attacking New York.

Why I Watched It: It had an interesting concept and people just wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

What I Thought: A fresh perspective on the "giant monster attacks New York" movie. The shaky camera wasn't quite as bad some viewers were saying, but parts of the film were still difficult to watch. All in all, the interesting viewpoint of the film's action made the unpleasant camera work sufferable.

Highlights: Spooky subway tunnels, helpful military, and lots of death.

Who Should See It: Giant Monster Movie fans and film buffs looking for a new spin on an old genre.

How Soon: Whenever.

Solarbabies - 1986

What It Is: In a post-apocalyptic desert, only a group of rollerskating orphans can free to world's water supply from the tyrannical government.

Why I Watched It: Bad '80s sci-fi kids movies practically guarantee entertainment value!

What I Thought: Childish, corny, and weird, but very, very fun.

The kids find a sentient extra-terrestrial sphere and it grants them the power to stand up to the man and bring down a tyrant.

Tank Girl - 20 Somethings + Teens - Tank + Skates = Solarbabies!

Weird, but fun is all I really need to say.

Highlights: A surprising number of '80s B-list actors, terribly '80s racial stereotypes, and rollerskates with 4 wheels!!!

Who Should See It: For anyone that was a kid in the '80s, Solarbabies is great nostalgia.

How Soon: It's definitely not going anywhere.

Review Dump - March 2008

I can't remember the last time I was this busy. My schedule is just full and it's been hard to find time for reviews. Without including all the boring details, here's the first ever Movie Slut Review Dump. Perhaps I'll give some or all of these titles a proper treatment someday down the road. Meanwhile, I hope you don't find the temporary change of format too offensive.














The Bank Job - 2008
What It Is: Dramatization of a real-life 1971 bank robbery.
What I Thought: A damn fine hiest film.














Hell Comes To Frogtown - 1987
What It Is: Post-apocalyptic cult film starring Rowdy Roddy.
What I Thought: Terrible enough to be pretty fun.














Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte Des Loups) - 2001
What It Is: Werewolves vs. Native American martial artists, in 18th century France.
What I Thought: Ridiculous...ly awesome!














Night Hawks - 1981
What It Is: Stalone the cop chases Rutger the arsonist.
What I Thought: Good cop movie with a good villain.














Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-Hime)- 1997
What It Is: Anime about nature vs. industry/humanity.
What I Thought: One of the best Anime films ever!














Hard Boiled (Lat Sau San Taam) - 1992
What It Is: John Woo's last film before Hollywood.
What I Thought: Ranking #5 for the highest on-screen body count, what the fuck do you think? One of the greatest action films ever made!














Falling Down - 1993
What It Is: The Warriors with a shirt and tie.
What I Thought: Funny and frightening in the best possible way!














The Quest - 1996
What It Is: Van Damme and Roger Moore in a pulpy adventure flick.
What I Thought: Enjoyable when not taken seriously.














Perfect Creature - 2006
What It Is: The vampire film The Breed should've been.
What I Thought: Weak plot, gorgeous movie.











Planet Earth - 2006
What It Is: Most expensive nature show ever.
What I Thought: Best nature documentary ever!














The Beastmaster - 1982
What It Is: Classic sword and sorcery flick.
What I Thought: A little cheesy, but very very fun.














Targets - 1968
What It Is: Aging Boris Karloff vs. a psycho sniper.
What I Thought: A darkly enjoyable classic.














Doomsday - 2008
What It Is: Another Underworld/Equilibrium/Resident...
What I Thought: Just as good/bad as the movies it rips off.

Salute to the Jugger (The Blood of Heroes) - 1989

What It Is: Only a super cool, post-apocalyptic, Australian, sports movie starring Rutger Hauer, Delroy Lindo, and Vincent D'Onofrio!

Why I Watched It: My buddy told me the concept and I just had to see it.

What I Thought: Fucking incredible! Take all the goodness of your stereotypical sports movie (*see below) and combine it with the goodness of gladiatorial combat, Mad Max, and Rutger Hauer.

Civilization is ruined, the only sport is brutal and violent. It's known only as "The Game" and no one knows why it came to be played with a dog's skull.

It that's not enough to get you itching to see the film, you should start looking for your inner child because you must have dropped it somewhere. If the movie does sound interesting, then there's nothing else I can say that will get you more excited than you already are. Just watch the fucking movie!

I have one last question for anyone left doubting how cool this movie is: How many other films lead to the creation of their very own sport?

That's right kids, there have been real Juggers for over 10 years!

Highlights: The Game and the Juggers are awesome, Joan Chen is a kick ass "qwik", and the dog's skull is an amazing touch!

Who Should See It: Sports fans, action fans, and sci-fi fans everywhere.

How Soon: Soon! It rocks!

*You know the one. Where you watch the underdogs work their way up the ranks until they face off with the undefeated team, only to get their ass kicked for most of the game until they finally pull out a win with mere seconds on the clock. It's only the plot of every sports movie ever.

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (Hatsujô Kateikyôshi: Sensei no Aijiru) - 2003

What It Is: One of the strangest movies I have ever seen. And that says a lot!

Why I Watched It: The plot synopsis mentioned "slut turned brainiac . . . walked off with George W. Bush's finger . . . in this surreal sexploitation romp." Why would I not watch it?

What I Thought: One of the most frustrating things about being a "movie guy" is that the movies I most want to tell people about are usually the hardest to explain. C'est la vie!

Sachiko Hanai is a cult hit from the Japanese softcore genre known as "pink film." First there's a hooker that witnesses a black market deal and gets a bullet in the head for her trouble. Then the hooker wakes up a genius and wanders off with the black market object being sold. She then has sex with a lot of people, discovers the object is actually the cloned finger of President Bush, she has sex with the finger, and then decides to use it to remote trigger the world's nuclear devices.

There you go. What more could you possibly want to know about such a classy film? *evil grin*

Highlights: The first "money shot" has more "money" than I have ever seen, the film's depiction of W is simply priceless, a rape scene involves a cloned finger with a mind and mobility of it's own, and G.I. Joe figures are used to represent the American military.

Who Should See It: Only fans of the truly bizarre.

How Soon: Gather some friends that appreciate odd cinema and enjoy 90 minutes of the disturbing, hilarious, and sometimes arousing life of Sachiko Hanai.

I Am Legend - 2007

What It Is: Post-apocalyptic horror adaptation of the 50's novel.

Why I Watched It: Post-apocalyptic vampire movie!

What I Thought: It was good. I was stupid.

I knew the storyline from the book and was silly enough to expect the movie to cover the same ground. I was even silly enough to begin looking forward to it. I should have known.

The Movie Sluts #1 Rule: Don't expect anything from a film and you will rarely be disappointed.

Legend was a good horror flick, lots of jumpy scares and some pretty disturbing images. My friend went in with no expectations (good boy that one) and was very pleased with the whole production. The landscapes and sets were gorgeous by the way.

Highlights: Post-apocalyptic New York, truly scary vampire beasties, and a believably crazy Will Smith!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, horror fans, and Will Smith's following.

How Soon: Shouldn't lose much on DVD.

The Omega Man - 1971

What It Is: An old Heston film based on the 1954 book I Am Legend.

Why I Watched It: I was intrigued by the upcoming Will Smith picture and decided to do a little research.

What I Thought: I don't know if it was the production value, the plot, or Heston himself, but the movie felt so much like Planet of the Apes it was ridiculous!

It was weird in that unquantifiable 70s sci-fi way. It had a good concept, but would be so much better (and possibly easier to connect with) if it was reproduced now.

I'm glad their doing just that.

Highlights: Um... the face that they're remaking it?

Who Should See It: Hard-core Heston fans and NRA card holders.

How Soon: I'd just wait a few weeks for the Will Smith version. It looks good!

A Boy and His Dog - 1975

What It Is: "Vic roams a post-apocalyptic wasteland accompanied by his telepathic, ever-grumbling dog, eventually winding up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society that wants his sperm." -Netflix

Why I Watched It: How can you turn down a description like that?!

What I Thought: A Boy and His Dog was a fantastic movie! Think Mad Max and then add a helping of dark humor and a lot of misogyny.

I watched the flick with a couple friends and we all agreed it was amazing. Here's a movie that desperately deserves a remake, but it would just never be possible in today's politically correct world. The movie is morally wrong on so many levels that it somehow ends up being right!

I'm not going to say anything else about the movie. Set your morals aside, let your jaw drop with astonishment and WATCH IT!

Highlights: The dog's snappy dialogue was easily the best part of the film!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, cult movie buffs, and everyone that enjoys a good tale about the power of love and sacrifice.

How Soon: Right now! Instant Watch it on Netflix, buy it from Amazon, do whatever you have to do. My copy's already in the mail!

A Boy & His Dog

The Toxic Avenger - 1985

What It Is: The flagship title from Troma about a geeky kid that becomes a monstrous hero.

Why I Watched It: I had never seen it.

What I Thought: It was awful but in a very intentionally enjoyable way. There's definitely a reason The Toxic Avenger earned its cult status.

The movie was originally intended as a horror film about an abused nerd that becomes a monstrous killing machine, but the hero vibe makes it much more of a campy and excessively violent action movie.

Highlights: Hilariously awful dialogue, gratuitous violence, and lots of topless women. What's not to love?!

Who Should See It: Appreciators of campy classics and superhero fans.

How Soon: It would make for a good rental with all your friends.

Class of Nuke 'Em High - 1986

What It Is: A classic B-Movie from Troma Studios.

Why I Watched It: Troma brought us the Toxic Avenger. This is the beginning of my Troma education.

What I Thought: It was funny, and bad, and cheesy, and gross. All Troma all the way.

Was it good? Hard to say. If you like horror comedy with no intention of being "high" art, give it a shot.

Highlights: Crissy was cute and man-eating toxic baby monsters are always fun!

Who Should See It: Fans of really bad horror films.

How Soon: Whenever you're in the mood to laugh and wretch at the same time.

Resident Evil: Extinction - 2007

What It Is: A completely unnecessary third installment in the Resident Evil series.

Why I Watched It: The first one was good, the second was okay, and they all feature the lovely Milla Jovovich kicking ass!

What I Thought: It SUCKED! When it comes to horror films, my standards aren't very high. It's rare to find an incredibly good film in an under appreciated genre, so I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. Extinction however, was just awful!

Were the effects good? Yeah. Was Milla gorgeous while covered in the blood of her enemies? Yeah. Was the plot bearable? Not at all.

I will not even begin to describe the idiocy that was this movie's storyline. I'll just say that the world ended and now the super telekinesis powers of Milla's character are the only hope of saving it. You see what I mean?

Highlights: Cool special effects, lots of Milla Jovovich, returning characters from RE: 2, and a murder of zombie crows.

Who Should See It: No one. I'm a hardcore Milla fan that watched Extinction simply because she was in it and I'm telling you, it wasn't worth it.

How Soon: Never.

Videodrome - 1983

What It Is: One crazy fucking Cronenberg film...

Why I Watched It: I liked all the Cronenberg stuff I had seen so far.

What I Thought: Videodrome was exactly as I suspected... weird.

Videodrome features James Woods as the sleazy president of a sleazier local TV station. He's searching for the "next big thing" that will provide his viewers a more potent thrill. He eventually hacks in to a private TV show called Videodrome that features nothing but plotless Snuff. After watching the show, Woods discovers that the Videodrome signal is hostile and begins transforming him into something... new.

Videodrome included the usual amount of strange, gross, horrific, and violent that pops up in a Cronenberg film. Plotwise, the movie felt like an obvious predecessor for the much slicker eXistenZ. Existenz is a personal favorite of mine and I was a little underwhelmed when Videodrome felt too similar.

Aside from that, Cronenberg's usual thrills, chills, and retches were all there. However, I was pretty disappointed when the film just ended, right at the climax. Part of me felt like I was only treated to half a deranged story when I had signed on for the whole thing!

More on Cronenberg coming soon...

Highlights: Televisions that coo, chest wounds opening for VHS tape deposits, handguns, and "Death to Videodrome! Long live the new flesh!"

Who Should See It: Cronenberg fans and other connoisseurs of the fucked up and surreal.

How Soon: When you want a good visceral thrill, but you don't need a satisfying ending.