Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (Das Parfum – Die Geschichte eines Mörders) - 2006

What It Is: A beautiful, if difficult to explain, German film.

Why I Watched It: Recommended to me by a few close friends.

What I Thought: Incredible!

Perfume tells the story of an orphan in 1700's France with a supernaturally potent sense of smell. He becomes obsessed with cataloguing and experiencing every smell in the world. But there is one smell far more intoxicating than any others, the smell of innocence. Unfortunately, this proves a very difficult smell to preserve and his attempts lead to the murders of a several local virgins.

Perfume was beautifully executed from the uniquely disturbing (and equal parts enthralling) story, to the excellent camera work, and the great performances. This movie was fantastic because of and in addition to its strangeness. What more can you really ask for?

Highlights: Gorgeous girls, an excellent lead by Ben Whishaw, beautifully shot, and an awesomely original story!

Who Should See It: Dark fantasy fans, slasher fans, and crime buffs.

How Soon: Now!

The Forbidden Kingdom - 2008

*I'm including an additional section for this review, based on all the mixed opinions I've heard regarding the film.*

What It Is Not: A stylish Asian martial arts epic along the lines of Crouching Tiger or Hero.

*Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I can continue.*

What It Is: A fun martial arts adventure film... from Hollywood.

Why I Watched It: Jet Li and Jackie Chan, in the same movie!

What I Thought: Forbidden Kingdom was amazing. It was a super slick, updated version of all the crazy fantasy adventure films of my childhood.

Forbidden Kingdom was a lot of fun, but it wasn't the serious epic drama that a lot of people seem to be expecting. The movie starts with a normal American kid that loves old kung fu movies. Some bully's force him to help with a robbery, where he ends up with a magic staff that transports him to the China-like fantasy world known as the Middle Kingdom. In order to save the Middle Kingdom, he's got to return the staff to Monkey King.

The movie had far more in common with The Neverending Story and The Last Starfighter than it did with the recent slew of stylish martial arts epics. Hell, drop the sci-fi from The Last Starfighter and substitute some 70's kung fu and you're left with Forbidden Kingdom.

All that being said, the comedy was rough in some spots, but generally hilarious in others. The adventure aspects were super fun and the fight scenes were fucking amazing! I especially liked the myriad styles of kung fu that were showcased, from Eagle Claw to Drunken style.

Oh yeah. About the fight scene between Jackie Chan and Jet Li, it simply should not be missed!

Highlights: Summoning rain, drunken style, tiger style sound effects, hot girls, crazy hair, the Monkey King, and Jet Li and Jackie Chan in the same fucking movie!

Who Should See It: Fans of Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Wushu in general.

How Soon: Catch it in the theater! It's far more fun than anything else out there right now.

Ice Pirates - 1984

What It Is: Classic sci-fi/action/comedy!

Why I Watched It: Me and a friend were exchanging sci-fi favorites from our childhood.

What I Thought: Just as much fun as it was when I was 8!

In the distant future, the galaxy runs dry. The only planet left with any water becomes the tyrannical controlling government and ships ice to other planets that depend on it. A few rogues are determined to engage in a little free enterprise and liberate some of this ice, until they get word of a lost water planet that will make them all rich.

Though Ice Pirates is a bit dated, it's still a lot of crazy fun.

Highlights: Ron Pearlman, blasters, swords, unicorns, androids, robots, toilet humor, space herpes, passion storms, timewarps, frog women, Mad Max style land vehicles, and swashbuckling abound!

Who Should See It: Fans of cheesy sci-fi, 80's movies, comedies, pirate movies, and especially cheesy 80's sci-fi pirate comedy movies!

How Soon: Whenever you're ready to be a kid again.

Pumpkinhead - 1988

What It Is: Weird slasher morality tale with Lance Henriksen.

Why I Watched It: The name kept coming up in horror circles and I thought it was time to see what all the fuss was.

What I Thought: Aside from the awesome performance I expected from Henriksen, Pumkinhead was quite good!

A bunch of rich city kids head to the country with their dirt bikes. When one accidentally runs down Henriksen's son, Lance calls up the ultimate force of revenge for a man slighted by another, Pumpkinhead. The demon is summoned as the facilitator of Henriksen's vengeance, but was his decision justified? The rest of the film involves a surprising number of moral questions regarding crime and punishment, slasher movie style.

Highlights: The monster, the summoning, slasher morality, and sacrifice.

Who Should See It: Horror and slasher fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Solarbabies - 1986

What It Is: In a post-apocalyptic desert, only a group of rollerskating orphans can free to world's water supply from the tyrannical government.

Why I Watched It: Bad '80s sci-fi kids movies practically guarantee entertainment value!

What I Thought: Childish, corny, and weird, but very, very fun.

The kids find a sentient extra-terrestrial sphere and it grants them the power to stand up to the man and bring down a tyrant.

Tank Girl - 20 Somethings + Teens - Tank + Skates = Solarbabies!

Weird, but fun is all I really need to say.

Highlights: A surprising number of '80s B-list actors, terribly '80s racial stereotypes, and rollerskates with 4 wheels!!!

Who Should See It: For anyone that was a kid in the '80s, Solarbabies is great nostalgia.

How Soon: It's definitely not going anywhere.

Review Dump - March 2008

I can't remember the last time I was this busy. My schedule is just full and it's been hard to find time for reviews. Without including all the boring details, here's the first ever Movie Slut Review Dump. Perhaps I'll give some or all of these titles a proper treatment someday down the road. Meanwhile, I hope you don't find the temporary change of format too offensive.














The Bank Job - 2008
What It Is: Dramatization of a real-life 1971 bank robbery.
What I Thought: A damn fine hiest film.














Hell Comes To Frogtown - 1987
What It Is: Post-apocalyptic cult film starring Rowdy Roddy.
What I Thought: Terrible enough to be pretty fun.














Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte Des Loups) - 2001
What It Is: Werewolves vs. Native American martial artists, in 18th century France.
What I Thought: Ridiculous...ly awesome!














Night Hawks - 1981
What It Is: Stalone the cop chases Rutger the arsonist.
What I Thought: Good cop movie with a good villain.














Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-Hime)- 1997
What It Is: Anime about nature vs. industry/humanity.
What I Thought: One of the best Anime films ever!














Hard Boiled (Lat Sau San Taam) - 1992
What It Is: John Woo's last film before Hollywood.
What I Thought: Ranking #5 for the highest on-screen body count, what the fuck do you think? One of the greatest action films ever made!














Falling Down - 1993
What It Is: The Warriors with a shirt and tie.
What I Thought: Funny and frightening in the best possible way!














The Quest - 1996
What It Is: Van Damme and Roger Moore in a pulpy adventure flick.
What I Thought: Enjoyable when not taken seriously.














Perfect Creature - 2006
What It Is: The vampire film The Breed should've been.
What I Thought: Weak plot, gorgeous movie.











Planet Earth - 2006
What It Is: Most expensive nature show ever.
What I Thought: Best nature documentary ever!














The Beastmaster - 1982
What It Is: Classic sword and sorcery flick.
What I Thought: A little cheesy, but very very fun.














Targets - 1968
What It Is: Aging Boris Karloff vs. a psycho sniper.
What I Thought: A darkly enjoyable classic.














Doomsday - 2008
What It Is: Another Underworld/Equilibrium/Resident...
What I Thought: Just as good/bad as the movies it rips off.

Live and Let Die - 1973

What It Is: Blaxploitation... James Bond style!

Why I Watched It: This one actually snuck up on me. It was my favorite Bond as a kid, but I hadn't seen it for at least 10 years. As it turns out, it's a pretty good Bond movie... and a fantastic blaxploitation film. I had no idea!

What I Thought: First off, aside from 2 characters, every black person in the film is evil. How fucking horrible is that?! I couldn't stop cracking up. Everyone from the bartender to the cab driver was part of the same super criminal organization and they were all bad. It was hilarious. You could never do that today!

Live And Let Die is the only Bond movie to date to feature supernatural themes like voodoo, tarot, and sacrifice. No wonder why I loved it when I was a kid! It's the first Roger Moore Bond as well as the first to feature a black Bond girl. There's so much to love about this movie that I really can't do it justice here.

Aside from the usual Bond tropes, Live And Let Die follows many of the themes from Blaxploitation cinema as well. The movie's set in Harlem, "Nawlens", and the Caribbean. Words like "honky" and "pimpmobile" are tossed around freely. Instead of the usual Bond villain's plot of world domination, Dr. Kananga just wants to sell a shit load of heroin. Is that so wrong?

Dig This: Classic henchmen "Whisper" and "Tee Hee", a restaurant chain called "Fillet of Soul", pimpmobiles, a gorgeous Jane Seymour early in her career, Baron Samedi, tarot, live crocodile stunts, Voodoo, and the best Bond song ever!

Who Should See It: Bond fans, blaxploitation fans, and lovers of supernatural action movies!

How Soon: Grab it on DVD anytime you're ready for an awesome Bond film.

Live and Let Die - 2-Disc Ultimate Edition

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (Hatsujô Kateikyôshi: Sensei no Aijiru) - 2003

What It Is: One of the strangest movies I have ever seen. And that says a lot!

Why I Watched It: The plot synopsis mentioned "slut turned brainiac . . . walked off with George W. Bush's finger . . . in this surreal sexploitation romp." Why would I not watch it?

What I Thought: One of the most frustrating things about being a "movie guy" is that the movies I most want to tell people about are usually the hardest to explain. C'est la vie!

Sachiko Hanai is a cult hit from the Japanese softcore genre known as "pink film." First there's a hooker that witnesses a black market deal and gets a bullet in the head for her trouble. Then the hooker wakes up a genius and wanders off with the black market object being sold. She then has sex with a lot of people, discovers the object is actually the cloned finger of President Bush, she has sex with the finger, and then decides to use it to remote trigger the world's nuclear devices.

There you go. What more could you possibly want to know about such a classy film? *evil grin*

Highlights: The first "money shot" has more "money" than I have ever seen, the film's depiction of W is simply priceless, a rape scene involves a cloned finger with a mind and mobility of it's own, and G.I. Joe figures are used to represent the American military.

Who Should See It: Only fans of the truly bizarre.

How Soon: Gather some friends that appreciate odd cinema and enjoy 90 minutes of the disturbing, hilarious, and sometimes arousing life of Sachiko Hanai.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - 2007

What It Is: Film version of a twisted Broadway musical about a 19th-century, revenge fueled, serial killing barber that bakes his victims into meat pies and serves them back to the public.

Why I Watched It: In the words of one of my very favorite actors, and the star of this cinematic gem, "How many chances do you get at a musical about a serial killer?"

What I Thought: Amazing! Incredibly! Expletive! After watching a high school production of Guys and Dolls, then seeing Moulin Rouge and the recent Chicago and now Sweeney Todd, I will officially go on record to profess my love for musicals. Of course, this should really be interpreted as a love for "good" musicals and Sweeney Todd was the best I've seen to date!

Surprisingly though, Sweeney Todd was more than a good musical. It was a good horror film, it was a fantastic revenge story and incredibly suspenseful. Sweeney Todd is fucking brilliant!

Highlights: Laughing in the face of the macabre, buckets of blood, an amazing Johnny Depp, a slew of cameos, awesome songs, a great revenge tale, and one hell of a villain!

Who Should See It: Depp's legion of fans and anyone that's as intrigued by the slasher/musical combination as I was. Seriously, if you're the slightest bit curious, you'll love the movie!

How Soon: An amazing film, just in time for the holidays! Use it as an escape when the big reunited family events start to wear on your patience. Nothin' says relief like tons of laughs and tons of blood.

His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass - 2007

What It Is: One of this year's slew of big budget fantasy films based on the book.

Why I Watched It: Battling polar bears!

What I Thought: The film was pretty enjoyable, but definitely not what I expected. I knew nothing of the story going in, so The Golden Compass was a pretty big surprise. It wasn't better or worse than I expected, just very, very different.

1. Daniel Craig should not have been listed in the top billing. He might have had a full five minutes of screen time. I was really looking forward to seeing him again, but it looks like I'll have to wait till the sequel.

2. The movie wasn't as much about epic fantasy combat (what they're all really about) as it was about rescuing kidnapped children from a secret lab. I kept being reminded of The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T and that was very, very unexpected.

3. The protagonist was compulsive liar. Seriously. The one girl to receive the magic truth-finding device was the one girl that couldn't tell the truth about anything. Weird.

The list goes on, but I think those are the points that stick out the most. So all in all, it was a weird movie, but pretty watchable.

Highlights: The shapeshifting animal companion was pretty cool, Sam [fucking!] Elliot, and a kick ass polar bear vs polar bear duel to the death!

Who Should See It: Fantasy fans and people that enjoy some good CGI.

How Soon: You could probably wait for DVD.

Beowulf - 2007

What It Is: A new interpretation of the epic poem Beowulf in digital 3-D!

Why I Watched It: IMAX + 3-D = Awesome, + Heroic Epic = Epicly Awesome!

What I Thought: Although the film was only an 'interpretation' of the poem, it was a pretty fucking fun experience. Kids everywhere aren't going to be able to watch the film in order to skip reading the epic for English class, but it's still a crazy good movie.

I won't nitpick about the things they changed in the film. It's always going to happen, even your esteemed Peter Jackson did it! It wasn't the poem per se, but it was close enough and on a few occasions it was way more fun!

The movie was heroic ass kicking at its finest. Sure, Leonidas and his Spartans whooped some ass, but it was only a few Persians. Okay, lots of Persians. Beowulf though, he was a lone fucking monster slayer! Hell, Beowulf's dialogue alone is packed with enough testosterone that he could spend the whole movie giving Grendel a manicure and he'd still be a bad ass. I never thought it was possible for a CGI character in a film to ooze such epic confidence, but Beowulf pulls it off!

Oh yeah, the other characters and actors were good too.

Digital film making, CGI, and special effects in general have come a long way. And Beowulf is the best of the lot!

Highlights: Angelina Jolie being sexy despite not even being present, Brendan Gleeson being the best friend a hero could ever have, really good use of 3-D, and the raw epic awesome that is the hero Beowulf!

Who Should See It: Anyone that digs good CGI, good hero myths, or just good fun!

How Soon: NOW! If you don't see this movie in digital 3-D at an IMAX theater, you're sort of missing the whole point. Waiting to watch it on your little TV at home would just be stupid. And I would cry for your appalling lack of judgment.

The Invisible - 2007

What It Is: A recent suspense drama about a ghost trying to point the living to his still breathing, but left for dead body.

Why I Watched It: It was an intriguing concept.

What I Thought: I was pretty good. Justin Chatwin sufficiently carried the movie, but with Chumscrubber and Weeds to his credit I didn't really expect any less.

I had a few hang ups over the things the 'ghost' could and couldn't do, but The Invisible wasn't really a 'ghost story' in the truest sense. It was a decent drama about redemption and forgiveness that just happened to use the 'ghost' thing as a vehicle.

It's worth checking out.

Highlights: Justin's character maintaining such a positive moral outlook, despite being dead.

Who Should See It: Drama fans and horror fans should find plenty to appreciate.

How Soon: Whenever.

Bedazzled - 2000

What It Is: Sexy remake of a 60's comedy about a man who sells his soul to the devil and ends up learning a lot about himself.

Why I Watched It: Um, cause it's got a super hot British chick in it!

What I Thought: It's funny. A bit on the goofy side sometimes, but really funny. Bedazzled also sneaked in a surprisingly good message about what we really want, compared to what we think we want.

Oh yeah, Elizabeth Hurley also happened to be painfully hot throughout. Her outfits throughout the whole film covered the gamut of male fantasy. There's something for everyone in there!

I got a kick out of Fraser's comedic performance, but I still think he really shines in the Mummy movies. The supporting cast is also worth a mention since Orlando Jones and others all play vastly different parts during each of Fraser's "wishes". Part of the movie's fun was waiting to see where Fraser's friends would show up in each alternate reality.

Highlights: Elizabeth Hurley, a funny Fraser, a good message and a fun exploration into one man's American dream.

Who Should See It: Hurley fans or anybody in mood for a cute movie about a guy wising up about what's really important to him.

How Soon: It would be a decent rental.

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising - 2007

What It Is: An updated adventure/fantasy movie based on the 2nd book in the Dark is Rising book series from the 60's and 70's.

Why I Watched It: I'm a whore for pretty fantasy movies.

What I Thought: Meh.

The movie was okay, but it held to so many of the old tropes I felt like I had already seen the film a dozen different times. Kid is leading a regular life until mysterious good guys approach to tell him he's "the chosen one" and has to save the world from the evil guys, blah, blah, blah...

I want to note that The Seeker didn't really do anything wrong, it just didn't do anything new.

Highlights: The time shifting power was kind of nifty, just not nifty enough.

Who Should See It: Nobody. Watch Stardust instead to see fantasy done right!

How Soon: This movie? Skip it. Stardust? As soon as you can!

D-War - 2007

What It Is: A big budget Korean movie about monstrous serpents searching for the ultimate power.

Why I Watched It: Explosions plus dragons equals awesome. Still, I wasn't exactly rushing to theater, but my friend convinced me to see it on a lark.

What I Thought: I shouldn't have bothered. It was schlock. Take a really bad 70s kung fu flick, add it to the horrible Dungeons & Dragons movie, and you have D-War.

It sucked!

Highlights: The terrible dialogue led me to believe Engrish had been translated into bad English.

Who Should See It: People that deserve to be punished.

How Soon: As soon as they do something awful enough to deserve quality cinema like D-War.

Cashback - 2006

What It Is: A feature-length version of the award winning short (same title) that was nominated for an Oscar in 2004.

Why I Watched It: The short that spawned it was really good.

What I Thought: The film that followed was really good too!

I've rewritten this description several times. Cashback is a difficult movie to explain. Think of the occupational comedy of Office Space, Waiting, and Clerks combined with a dysfunctional romance like High Fidelity and you've pretty much got it.

The plot is cool, the romance isn't too mushy, and the actors are superb. Cashback is good. It wasn't ridiculously amazing, mind you, but it was a very enjoyable film.

Did I mention the gorgeous naked woman? No? Well, Cashback features a little extra something to set it apart from the movies mentioned above. The main character is an artists that appreciates beauty in all of its forms, especially the female body. There are a few interesting flashbacks involving his experiences with the female form, but the artist also fantasizes he can freeze time. He often uses these frozen moments to mentally (but physically on screen) undress these women in order to paint them later. All the women are unbelievably gorgeous (in the artistic sense, not the "touch me a lot" sense) and Cashback definitely gives the viewer time to appreciate beauty!

My only complaint about Cashback involves the incredibly brief bit with the stranger that could also freeze time. The stranger is only seen for an instant and the movie moves along as if it never happened! The concept is cool enough to warrant a movie all its own, but it's merely glossed over here with no apparent need to be shown at all! I think it should have been left out completely.

Highlights: The girls, the exchange student, the Natalie character is hilarious, the time freezing is cool, the asshole coworkers are great, and it's just a feel good movie all around!

Who Should See It: Artists, chick flick lovers, guys that want to recommend a chick flick for "date night" that includes lots of beautiful naked women, and independent movie buffs.

How Soon: Date night! ;-)

Stardust - 2007

What It Is: Excellent film adaptation of Neil Gaiman's graphic novel.

Why I Watched It: The trailer was sexy!

What I Thought: The movie was really fun! Special effects were blended well with make-up and costumes. The actors all employed the perfect levels of cheese. The story was awesome like a Gaiman story always is.

One of the best adventure films in a looooong time. Blew the wings off of Eragon that's for sure!

I could rave about this movie for paragraphs and paragraphs, but I won't bother.

Highlights: Funny witches, adorable Claire Danes, hilarious scheming brothers, and my favorite De Niro performance yet!

Who Should See It: If you've ever enjoyed a fantasy film, WATCH STARDUST!

How Soon: In the theater! Stardust left me smiling the whole day!

Afro Samurai - 2007

What It Is: A bad ass, adult oriented anime blending blaxploitation, hip-hop, and samurai goodness.

Why I Watched It: Sam Jackson baby!

What I Thought: Afro Samurai, at its heart, is a very decent revenge tale about Afro (Yes, that's his name.) dedicating his life to finding his father's killer. If that's all the 5-episode anime was about, however, it would be simply lost within the torrent of so many other excellent samurai animes. What makes Afro Samurai really shine, is it's inclusion of so much awesome.

"What sort of awesome," you ask. Well, I'll tell you.

Afro Samurai seamlessly blends fantasy, sci-fi, comedy and too many other genres to mention. (Just check out the Genre tags at the bottom!) The show features excellent voice talent by Samuel L. Jackson (Afro), Samuel L. Jackson (Afro's imaginary friend, Ninja Ninja), Kelly Hu (Okiku), and Ron Pearlman (the lisping gunslinger that killed Afro's father). For those of you that weren't paying attention, Jackson lends his voice to both lead characters. In my book, twice the Samuel L. equals 10 times the awesome!

Afro Samurai is very bloody and very funny. What more do you need in an anime?

Highlights: Ninja Ninja's shit-talking, Ron Pearlman's lisping villain, and Sam Jackson baby! Bloody, action-packed, funny, sexy, anime goodness!

Who Should See It: To borrow a line from a review on Amazon.com, "Bottom line: if you like afros, if you like samurai, if you like animation, if you like violence, if you don't freakin' suck, then this show is for you."

How Soon: Whenever you think you're ready to turn of your brain and let your Id enjoy some quality TV.

Afro Samurai (Director's Cut)

300 - 2007

What It Is: A brilliant adaptation of Frank Miller's (Sin City) highly stylized graphic novel about a Spartan last stand at the Battle of Thermopylae.

Why I Watched It: Cause it looked like Gladiator on speed!

What I Thought: Liquid awesome.

The movie was pulled scene-for-scene from Miller's book with some decent political intrigue scenes filling out what be a pretty short movie otherwise. Even Ephialtes' suicide was filmed but cut for pacing reasons (a decision I fully support this time around).

The action was incredible with the movie living up to every expectation I had from the trailer. Even the drama was successfully pulled off and resulted in me tearing up when King Leonidas died.

I can't say enough about the movie. 300 is not a movie to be discussed, it's a movie to be experienced. 300 is not an accurate historical documentary, it's a visceral rush of blood, guts, and glory!

Highlights: The stylishness, the action, the blood, the glory, the heroism, the Spartan awesome, and the scene-for-scene transfer from the graphic novel!

Who Should See It: Comic fans, action fans, and history buffs that aren't snobby.

How Soon: Watch this fucking movie! It's on DVD, buy the fucking thing!

300 (Widescreen Two-Disc Special Edition)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 2007

What It Is: You should already know.

Why I Watched It: Cause the Harry Potter movies are fun and this one is where people start dying!

What I Thought: Unlike a couple "book is always better than the movie" snobs I know, I thought it was very fun movie and a nice adaptation of HP-5. The basic plot wasn't horribly rewritten like it was for #3 and they didn't have to cut out EVERYTHING that wasn't absolutely integral like they did for #4. Order of the Phoenix felt like a better edited, more comprehensible film adaptation than the last two.

I like the actual story for HP-5 much better than the previous four, since the Harry Potter story begins taking a much darker turn. I also think Umbridge is a fantastic villain for the series and Imelda Staunton played her so well that I was instantly reminded of how badly I wanted to strangle Umbridge when reading the book. Evanna Lynch is worth mentioning as little Luna Lovegood, she's apparently a huge HP fan herself and was very cool as Luna.

I want bother talking about Order of the Phoenix much since you either have no interest or you've already made plans to see it. I'll just say that Umbridge is spot on and the end of movie/book wizard battles look awesome on screen!

Highlights: Imelda Staunton's Professor Umbridge, Dumbledore's flashy exit, training sequences for the DA were fun, and wizard battles in the Ministry were goregeous!

Who Should See It: Everyone that's read the books or watched to movies, which probably means all of you.

How Soon: Why not this week? The end battle sequence absolutely deserves a trip to theater, you'll be sorry if you wait for the small screen.