Review Dump - June 2008

War, Inc. - 2008

What It Is: Witty satire on the privatization of the military.
What I Thought: Equal parts funny, thought-provoking, and scary!

Robocop - 1987

What It Is: Old-school ultra-violent sci-fi action movie.
What I Thought: I watched some graphic shit as a kid, and still love it today!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 2008

What It Is: The first Indy movie in 19 years.

What I Thought: Just as awesome as the originals, and Shia was cool too.

F*ck - 2005

What It Is: A fun and funny documentary on a very flexible word.
What I Thought: A lot of really fucking funny fuckers enter-fucking-tained me.

Fool's Gold - 2008

What It Is: Adventure film with the dim-witted but lovable McConaughey.
What I Thought: A dim-witted but lovable film.

The Edge of Heaven (Auf der anderen Seite) - 2007

What It Is: A gritty drama by the director of Head On.
What I Thought: Visceral, but not quite as cool as Head On.

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

What It Is: The almost-awesome sequel to the awesome Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

Why I Watched It: The first one was excellent!

What I Thought: Overall, it was good.

It started a little slow, not so funny, and uncomfortably lewd (like twisting in your seat trying to dodge the obscenity flying at you lewd). Eventually, though, H&K2 managed to settle into a good and funny (if sometimes disturbing) groove.

The absolute coolest thing about the film, is that the plot of H&K2 begins approximately 2.5 minutes after the first movie. How awesome is that? I can't recall a single other sequel that literally continued the plot of the first film like that. It was very cool.

Keep in mind, this movie was funny, but the first movie was AWESOME. It's an important distinction.

Highlights: The "My Dick" song, Doogie's back, and . . . the bottomless party!

Who Should See It: Fans of the first film and of brainless humor in general.

How Soon: Whenever you need an easy if unsettling laugh.

The Core - 2003

What It Is: Sci-fi tale about a trip to the earth's core, sans any primeval jungles or dinosaurs.

Why I Watched It: I was in the mood for pretty visuals.

What I Thought: It delivered on the visuals, but that's about it.

The whole movie was pretty mediocre. Mediocre plot, mediocre performances, and a mostly mediocre cast. Save for Delroy Lindo. I fucking love that guy!

The Core is certainly pretty, but that's really about it.

Highlights: The idea of using WMDs to save the world, Delroy Lindo, Aaron Eckhart, a cheesy fun hacker part, and pretty effects.

Who Should See It: I'd suggest it only to hard core sci-fi fans.

How Soon: Take your time. It's not getting any better and it probably won't get any worse.

The Forbidden Kingdom - 2008

*I'm including an additional section for this review, based on all the mixed opinions I've heard regarding the film.*

What It Is Not: A stylish Asian martial arts epic along the lines of Crouching Tiger or Hero.

*Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I can continue.*

What It Is: A fun martial arts adventure film... from Hollywood.

Why I Watched It: Jet Li and Jackie Chan, in the same movie!

What I Thought: Forbidden Kingdom was amazing. It was a super slick, updated version of all the crazy fantasy adventure films of my childhood.

Forbidden Kingdom was a lot of fun, but it wasn't the serious epic drama that a lot of people seem to be expecting. The movie starts with a normal American kid that loves old kung fu movies. Some bully's force him to help with a robbery, where he ends up with a magic staff that transports him to the China-like fantasy world known as the Middle Kingdom. In order to save the Middle Kingdom, he's got to return the staff to Monkey King.

The movie had far more in common with The Neverending Story and The Last Starfighter than it did with the recent slew of stylish martial arts epics. Hell, drop the sci-fi from The Last Starfighter and substitute some 70's kung fu and you're left with Forbidden Kingdom.

All that being said, the comedy was rough in some spots, but generally hilarious in others. The adventure aspects were super fun and the fight scenes were fucking amazing! I especially liked the myriad styles of kung fu that were showcased, from Eagle Claw to Drunken style.

Oh yeah. About the fight scene between Jackie Chan and Jet Li, it simply should not be missed!

Highlights: Summoning rain, drunken style, tiger style sound effects, hot girls, crazy hair, the Monkey King, and Jet Li and Jackie Chan in the same fucking movie!

Who Should See It: Fans of Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Wushu in general.

How Soon: Catch it in the theater! It's far more fun than anything else out there right now.

Ice Pirates - 1984

What It Is: Classic sci-fi/action/comedy!

Why I Watched It: Me and a friend were exchanging sci-fi favorites from our childhood.

What I Thought: Just as much fun as it was when I was 8!

In the distant future, the galaxy runs dry. The only planet left with any water becomes the tyrannical controlling government and ships ice to other planets that depend on it. A few rogues are determined to engage in a little free enterprise and liberate some of this ice, until they get word of a lost water planet that will make them all rich.

Though Ice Pirates is a bit dated, it's still a lot of crazy fun.

Highlights: Ron Pearlman, blasters, swords, unicorns, androids, robots, toilet humor, space herpes, passion storms, timewarps, frog women, Mad Max style land vehicles, and swashbuckling abound!

Who Should See It: Fans of cheesy sci-fi, 80's movies, comedies, pirate movies, and especially cheesy 80's sci-fi pirate comedy movies!

How Soon: Whenever you're ready to be a kid again.

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone - 1983

What It Is: 80's sci-fi at its best/worst.

Why I Watched It: A buddy recommend it as a childhood classic.

What I Thought: Decent special effects, decent 80's cast, and a lot of cheesy fun!

The cast (Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Ernie Hudson, and Michael Ironside) all came together to make this movie as fun as it was. With all the industrial clunk of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and the fantastic creatures of Krull, Spacehunter was one hell of an adventure movie.

I didn't even want to strangle Molly Ringwald! That right there says a lot. Looking at the poster, I'm just pissed that I never got to see this movie in 3-D.

Highlights: Dragons, corpulent pod people, sexy water nymphs, pulpy heroes, and cybernetic villains galore!

Who Should See It: Children of the 80s and bad sci-fi fans of any age.

How Soon: Whenever.

Solarbabies - 1986

What It Is: In a post-apocalyptic desert, only a group of rollerskating orphans can free to world's water supply from the tyrannical government.

Why I Watched It: Bad '80s sci-fi kids movies practically guarantee entertainment value!

What I Thought: Childish, corny, and weird, but very, very fun.

The kids find a sentient extra-terrestrial sphere and it grants them the power to stand up to the man and bring down a tyrant.

Tank Girl - 20 Somethings + Teens - Tank + Skates = Solarbabies!

Weird, but fun is all I really need to say.

Highlights: A surprising number of '80s B-list actors, terribly '80s racial stereotypes, and rollerskates with 4 wheels!!!

Who Should See It: For anyone that was a kid in the '80s, Solarbabies is great nostalgia.

How Soon: It's definitely not going anywhere.

Review Dump - March 2008

I can't remember the last time I was this busy. My schedule is just full and it's been hard to find time for reviews. Without including all the boring details, here's the first ever Movie Slut Review Dump. Perhaps I'll give some or all of these titles a proper treatment someday down the road. Meanwhile, I hope you don't find the temporary change of format too offensive.














The Bank Job - 2008
What It Is: Dramatization of a real-life 1971 bank robbery.
What I Thought: A damn fine hiest film.














Hell Comes To Frogtown - 1987
What It Is: Post-apocalyptic cult film starring Rowdy Roddy.
What I Thought: Terrible enough to be pretty fun.














Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte Des Loups) - 2001
What It Is: Werewolves vs. Native American martial artists, in 18th century France.
What I Thought: Ridiculous...ly awesome!














Night Hawks - 1981
What It Is: Stalone the cop chases Rutger the arsonist.
What I Thought: Good cop movie with a good villain.














Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-Hime)- 1997
What It Is: Anime about nature vs. industry/humanity.
What I Thought: One of the best Anime films ever!














Hard Boiled (Lat Sau San Taam) - 1992
What It Is: John Woo's last film before Hollywood.
What I Thought: Ranking #5 for the highest on-screen body count, what the fuck do you think? One of the greatest action films ever made!














Falling Down - 1993
What It Is: The Warriors with a shirt and tie.
What I Thought: Funny and frightening in the best possible way!














The Quest - 1996
What It Is: Van Damme and Roger Moore in a pulpy adventure flick.
What I Thought: Enjoyable when not taken seriously.














Perfect Creature - 2006
What It Is: The vampire film The Breed should've been.
What I Thought: Weak plot, gorgeous movie.











Planet Earth - 2006
What It Is: Most expensive nature show ever.
What I Thought: Best nature documentary ever!














The Beastmaster - 1982
What It Is: Classic sword and sorcery flick.
What I Thought: A little cheesy, but very very fun.














Targets - 1968
What It Is: Aging Boris Karloff vs. a psycho sniper.
What I Thought: A darkly enjoyable classic.














Doomsday - 2008
What It Is: Another Underworld/Equilibrium/Resident...
What I Thought: Just as good/bad as the movies it rips off.

Apocalypto - 2006

What It Is: Crazy Mel Gibson's chase tale set during the downfall of Mayan civilization.

Why I Watched It: I heard surprisingly good things about it from a handful of trusted sources.

What I Thought: The sources were right, it was surprisingly good! The movie follows one man's experience through the beginning of the end for Maya. Don't be thrown off by Gibson's name or the fact that it's subtitled. Apocalypto has a lot more to do with The Fugitive, Most Dangerous Game, or Running Man than it does with Passion of the Christ.

Apocalypto is an action movie and a good one at that. The Mayan language used throughout the film doesn't feel as historical as it feels primal. The movie's about survival, death, revenge, etc.

I also particularly like the film's theme of conquering one's own fear. It's a powerful message that's made considerably more powerful by it's delivery.

Highlights: Flint Sky's last words, "releasing" the prisoners, Jaguar Paw's rebirth as a hero, and the film's constant adrenaline rush!

Who Should See It: Action fans, Joseph Campbell fans, and anyone interested in one man's best guess regarding Mayan culture.

How Soon: Rent it anytime, you won't be sorry!

His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass - 2007

What It Is: One of this year's slew of big budget fantasy films based on the book.

Why I Watched It: Battling polar bears!

What I Thought: The film was pretty enjoyable, but definitely not what I expected. I knew nothing of the story going in, so The Golden Compass was a pretty big surprise. It wasn't better or worse than I expected, just very, very different.

1. Daniel Craig should not have been listed in the top billing. He might have had a full five minutes of screen time. I was really looking forward to seeing him again, but it looks like I'll have to wait till the sequel.

2. The movie wasn't as much about epic fantasy combat (what they're all really about) as it was about rescuing kidnapped children from a secret lab. I kept being reminded of The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T and that was very, very unexpected.

3. The protagonist was compulsive liar. Seriously. The one girl to receive the magic truth-finding device was the one girl that couldn't tell the truth about anything. Weird.

The list goes on, but I think those are the points that stick out the most. So all in all, it was a weird movie, but pretty watchable.

Highlights: The shapeshifting animal companion was pretty cool, Sam [fucking!] Elliot, and a kick ass polar bear vs polar bear duel to the death!

Who Should See It: Fantasy fans and people that enjoy some good CGI.

How Soon: You could probably wait for DVD.

Enchanted - 2007

*I had no desire to see this movie, so a Mini-Slut stepped in for me...*

What It Is: A Disney-mocks-Disney, cutesy children’s movie.

Why I Watched It: Because I can’t resist children’s movies, and there is a small romantic part of me that has yet to die.

What I Thought: Well, I giggled and as the movie slut will tell you, that’s as good a recommendation as any coming from me.

Enchanted is about a fairy tale princess-to-be, Giselle, who meets and falls in love with Prince Edward in the opening of the movie. The evil stepmother, Queen Narissa, does not want to lose her throne when the prince marries, so she pushes Giselle down a well and she pops out of a manhole in Manhattan. Throughout the movie, the other characters end up popping out of the same manhole and it becomes sort of a running joke. Anyway, she’s in NYC and we’re shown, through various interactions with locals, how different it is from the fairy tale, happily ever after sort of world. Giselle is taken in by Robert and his daughter Morgan and they all begin to change each others’ lives.

Disney throws in song and dance numbers to bring a little magic to the city and to Robert’s life. I think the end result was supposed to show us that even though it’s a cold world we live in, there can still be a little love, romance, and magic if we all just believe. Or something.

Enchanted provided a nice 107 minute escape from both reality and my mother’s house the day after Thanksgiving. Although, it did have the effect of making me want true love’s kiss. Where’s MY prince charming?

Highlights: the adorable exchange between Giselle and Morgan in the hair salon, any scene with Pip the chipmunk, and for Grey’s Anatomy fans there’s that McDreamy fellow.

Who Should See It: Kids, those with kids, or those who like to watch movies while surrounded by a theatre full of them (what could possibly beat the giggling of small children?).

How Soon: If you’re going to see it, do it while it’s still in theatres. It would be less entertaining without childish giggles in the background (or rent it and invite me over, I’ll giggle for you).

*This Mini-Slut Review come from NY Diva, Disney's target audience.*

Beowulf - 2007

What It Is: A new interpretation of the epic poem Beowulf in digital 3-D!

Why I Watched It: IMAX + 3-D = Awesome, + Heroic Epic = Epicly Awesome!

What I Thought: Although the film was only an 'interpretation' of the poem, it was a pretty fucking fun experience. Kids everywhere aren't going to be able to watch the film in order to skip reading the epic for English class, but it's still a crazy good movie.

I won't nitpick about the things they changed in the film. It's always going to happen, even your esteemed Peter Jackson did it! It wasn't the poem per se, but it was close enough and on a few occasions it was way more fun!

The movie was heroic ass kicking at its finest. Sure, Leonidas and his Spartans whooped some ass, but it was only a few Persians. Okay, lots of Persians. Beowulf though, he was a lone fucking monster slayer! Hell, Beowulf's dialogue alone is packed with enough testosterone that he could spend the whole movie giving Grendel a manicure and he'd still be a bad ass. I never thought it was possible for a CGI character in a film to ooze such epic confidence, but Beowulf pulls it off!

Oh yeah, the other characters and actors were good too.

Digital film making, CGI, and special effects in general have come a long way. And Beowulf is the best of the lot!

Highlights: Angelina Jolie being sexy despite not even being present, Brendan Gleeson being the best friend a hero could ever have, really good use of 3-D, and the raw epic awesome that is the hero Beowulf!

Who Should See It: Anyone that digs good CGI, good hero myths, or just good fun!

How Soon: NOW! If you don't see this movie in digital 3-D at an IMAX theater, you're sort of missing the whole point. Waiting to watch it on your little TV at home would just be stupid. And I would cry for your appalling lack of judgment.

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising - 2007

What It Is: An updated adventure/fantasy movie based on the 2nd book in the Dark is Rising book series from the 60's and 70's.

Why I Watched It: I'm a whore for pretty fantasy movies.

What I Thought: Meh.

The movie was okay, but it held to so many of the old tropes I felt like I had already seen the film a dozen different times. Kid is leading a regular life until mysterious good guys approach to tell him he's "the chosen one" and has to save the world from the evil guys, blah, blah, blah...

I want to note that The Seeker didn't really do anything wrong, it just didn't do anything new.

Highlights: The time shifting power was kind of nifty, just not nifty enough.

Who Should See It: Nobody. Watch Stardust instead to see fantasy done right!

How Soon: This movie? Skip it. Stardust? As soon as you can!

Scaramouche - 1952

What It Is: A classic swashbuckling tale of love and revenge.

Why I Watched It: Scaramouche reportedly contained an "epic sword duel over 6 minutes long!"

What I Thought: It was surprisingly good. It more than entertained me and my roommate and we don't typically get excited about vintage Hollywood.

The story involves revenge and romance in pre-revolution France. I was reminded of The Count of Monte Cristo, but in all the best ways. The love story is fun in that old-fashioned kind of way, but the fencing in the movie really shines!

Highlights: Decent story, funny scenes involving the comedy troop, and an above par sword duel ranging through 5 different sets!

Who Should See It: Classic movie buffs and swashbuckler fans.

How Soon: Whenever.

The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. - 1993

What It Is: A comedy/western show on FOX starring Bruce Campbell.

Why I Watched It: Bruce [fucking] Campbell!

What I Thought: How can you go wrong with Bruce Campbell? Well, you can't! Brisco County is a great show with a great cast, lots of fun guest appearances.

The show is light on action, but heavy on the witty dialogue, innuendo, double entendre, cheeky jokes, and just plain fun. A zany professor adds a bit of sci-fi to the western theme in the tradition of the "Wild Wild West". The majority of the show follows Brisco as he searches for the man that killed his father, Billy Drago plays the delightfully unsettling villain John Bly.

Highlights: The show is surprisingly funny and fun. They don't really make fun TV anymore...

Who Should See It: Fans of westerns, comedies, or Bruce Campbell. Anybody that appreciates the chance to shut off your thinking brain and enjoy some good television.

How Soon: It's on DVD so... anytime you like!

The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. - The Complete Series

Stardust - 2007

What It Is: Excellent film adaptation of Neil Gaiman's graphic novel.

Why I Watched It: The trailer was sexy!

What I Thought: The movie was really fun! Special effects were blended well with make-up and costumes. The actors all employed the perfect levels of cheese. The story was awesome like a Gaiman story always is.

One of the best adventure films in a looooong time. Blew the wings off of Eragon that's for sure!

I could rave about this movie for paragraphs and paragraphs, but I won't bother.

Highlights: Funny witches, adorable Claire Danes, hilarious scheming brothers, and my favorite De Niro performance yet!

Who Should See It: If you've ever enjoyed a fantasy film, WATCH STARDUST!

How Soon: In the theater! Stardust left me smiling the whole day!

Afro Samurai - 2007

What It Is: A bad ass, adult oriented anime blending blaxploitation, hip-hop, and samurai goodness.

Why I Watched It: Sam Jackson baby!

What I Thought: Afro Samurai, at its heart, is a very decent revenge tale about Afro (Yes, that's his name.) dedicating his life to finding his father's killer. If that's all the 5-episode anime was about, however, it would be simply lost within the torrent of so many other excellent samurai animes. What makes Afro Samurai really shine, is it's inclusion of so much awesome.

"What sort of awesome," you ask. Well, I'll tell you.

Afro Samurai seamlessly blends fantasy, sci-fi, comedy and too many other genres to mention. (Just check out the Genre tags at the bottom!) The show features excellent voice talent by Samuel L. Jackson (Afro), Samuel L. Jackson (Afro's imaginary friend, Ninja Ninja), Kelly Hu (Okiku), and Ron Pearlman (the lisping gunslinger that killed Afro's father). For those of you that weren't paying attention, Jackson lends his voice to both lead characters. In my book, twice the Samuel L. equals 10 times the awesome!

Afro Samurai is very bloody and very funny. What more do you need in an anime?

Highlights: Ninja Ninja's shit-talking, Ron Pearlman's lisping villain, and Sam Jackson baby! Bloody, action-packed, funny, sexy, anime goodness!

Who Should See It: To borrow a line from a review on Amazon.com, "Bottom line: if you like afros, if you like samurai, if you like animation, if you like violence, if you don't freakin' suck, then this show is for you."

How Soon: Whenever you think you're ready to turn of your brain and let your Id enjoy some quality TV.

Afro Samurai (Director's Cut)

The Simpsons Movie - 2007

What It Is: Um... a Simpsons movie.

Why I Watched It: See above...

What I Thought: It was funnier than I expected it to be. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the Simpsons as much as the next guy, but I'd still choose Family Guy any day.

The movie was really funny. A huge portion of the jokes were self-deprecating and I think that was the film's best quality. The Simpsons Movie even started with a joke about people spending money to see something that's on the TV every night. The jokes stayed consistent the whole way through.

The Simpsons Movie was also BIG. It was movie big. Bigger issues for the family to deal with and bigger issues for Springfield itself to deal with. It reminded me of the South Park movie being so much grander in scope than the usual episodes. I think that's important in a movie based on a TV show.

The last cool thing was how many Simpsons' firsts were put into the film. I would ruin the surprise to describe too many of them, but I assure you they were pretty cool. Stay through the credits! I think all the firsts really helped to make the film feel a new level of special over the regular show.

Highlights: Firsts, naked Bart, Maggie the hero, and so much more!

Who Should See It: Anybody that ever laughed while watching the Simpsons. Yes, I know that's everybody.

How Soon: It is the only Simpsons movie they've ever made, I'd say it deserves a trip to the theater. Nine bucks isn't much when you've been watching the show for free all this time!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 2007

What It Is: You should already know.

Why I Watched It: Cause the Harry Potter movies are fun and this one is where people start dying!

What I Thought: Unlike a couple "book is always better than the movie" snobs I know, I thought it was very fun movie and a nice adaptation of HP-5. The basic plot wasn't horribly rewritten like it was for #3 and they didn't have to cut out EVERYTHING that wasn't absolutely integral like they did for #4. Order of the Phoenix felt like a better edited, more comprehensible film adaptation than the last two.

I like the actual story for HP-5 much better than the previous four, since the Harry Potter story begins taking a much darker turn. I also think Umbridge is a fantastic villain for the series and Imelda Staunton played her so well that I was instantly reminded of how badly I wanted to strangle Umbridge when reading the book. Evanna Lynch is worth mentioning as little Luna Lovegood, she's apparently a huge HP fan herself and was very cool as Luna.

I want bother talking about Order of the Phoenix much since you either have no interest or you've already made plans to see it. I'll just say that Umbridge is spot on and the end of movie/book wizard battles look awesome on screen!

Highlights: Imelda Staunton's Professor Umbridge, Dumbledore's flashy exit, training sequences for the DA were fun, and wizard battles in the Ministry were goregeous!

Who Should See It: Everyone that's read the books or watched to movies, which probably means all of you.

How Soon: Why not this week? The end battle sequence absolutely deserves a trip to theater, you'll be sorry if you wait for the small screen.