The Uninvited Guest (El Habitante Incierto) - 2004

What It Is: A bad ass psychological romp from Spain.

Why I Watched It: I have no idea. I stuck it in the Netflix Queue for a reason, but I'll be damned if I could remember why.

What I Thought: Sneakily, unexpectedly awesome!

Dude has a spat with his girl and she moves out. As soon as she does, he starts hearing odd noises in his house. He starts to believe these noises are made by someone in the house. As time goes on, dude starts to think these noises are actually being made by someone who's living in his house.

And the bizarrely fucking awesome just amplifies from there!!

Highlights: Parallels man, parallels.

Who Should See It: Smart people that like crazy, cool, weirdly, awesome movies.

How Soon: Sooner the better. This one's really good people!

Review Dump - June 2008

War, Inc. - 2008

What It Is: Witty satire on the privatization of the military.
What I Thought: Equal parts funny, thought-provoking, and scary!

Robocop - 1987

What It Is: Old-school ultra-violent sci-fi action movie.
What I Thought: I watched some graphic shit as a kid, and still love it today!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 2008

What It Is: The first Indy movie in 19 years.

What I Thought: Just as awesome as the originals, and Shia was cool too.

F*ck - 2005

What It Is: A fun and funny documentary on a very flexible word.
What I Thought: A lot of really fucking funny fuckers enter-fucking-tained me.

Fool's Gold - 2008

What It Is: Adventure film with the dim-witted but lovable McConaughey.
What I Thought: A dim-witted but lovable film.

The Edge of Heaven (Auf der anderen Seite) - 2007

What It Is: A gritty drama by the director of Head On.
What I Thought: Visceral, but not quite as cool as Head On.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (Das Parfum – Die Geschichte eines Mörders) - 2006

What It Is: A beautiful, if difficult to explain, German film.

Why I Watched It: Recommended to me by a few close friends.

What I Thought: Incredible!

Perfume tells the story of an orphan in 1700's France with a supernaturally potent sense of smell. He becomes obsessed with cataloguing and experiencing every smell in the world. But there is one smell far more intoxicating than any others, the smell of innocence. Unfortunately, this proves a very difficult smell to preserve and his attempts lead to the murders of a several local virgins.

Perfume was beautifully executed from the uniquely disturbing (and equal parts enthralling) story, to the excellent camera work, and the great performances. This movie was fantastic because of and in addition to its strangeness. What more can you really ask for?

Highlights: Gorgeous girls, an excellent lead by Ben Whishaw, beautifully shot, and an awesomely original story!

Who Should See It: Dark fantasy fans, slasher fans, and crime buffs.

How Soon: Now!

Warriors of the Wasteland (I Nuovi Barbari) - 1982

What It Is: Truly bizarre Italian venture into the post-apocalyptic action genre.

Why I Watched It: Post-Apocalyptic storyline featuring Fred Williamson!

What I Thought: It's Italian, it's super low budget, and it's really, really strange. But don't let that turn you away. The action is surprisingly good and even the acting isn't bad. Death Race 2000 would make for a pretty good comparison and if you've never heard of Death Race you should probably skip Warriors of the Wasteland.

After the nuclear apocalypse, some people just try to survive while others are determined to finish the genocide that the war started. This latter group also happens to sport hairstyles straight from 80's metal bands, refer to each other with names like Shadow and One, and have unexpected sexual desires for our bad ass hero type. Very strange movie.

Highlights: Fred Williamson's explosive arrowheads, the genius child mechanic, hot love interest, homosexual genocidal big-hair barbarians, and the slowest land vehicles in any post-apocalyptic movie ever!

Who Should See It: Fans of terribly awesome sci-fi!

How Soon: Anytime.

Outpost - 2008

What It Is: Military horror featuring invisible Nazi super soldiers and Unified Field Theory!

Why I Watched It: Military horror is almost always worth my while.

What I Thought: I wasn't disappointed.

A team of mercenaries leads a scientist to an old Nazi bunker. They think he's looking for Nazi gold, he's really looking for the secret "device" at the bottom. They find a bunch of dead bodies that were apparently used as test subjects. Test subjects used to create invincible, immortal Nazi super soldiers that can turn invisible at will. Super soldiers that have been waiting at the outpost all this time. Waiting to for fresh victims.

Cue the dramatic music.

It sounds cheesy and weird. I assure you it is. But it's also incredibly good fun!

Highlights: The machine, the inclusion of unified field theory, mention of the U.S.S. Eldridge and the fascinating wikipedia search it inspired, and Invisibly Invincible Nazi Super Soldiers!!

Who Should See It: Military Horror fans.

How Soon: Anytime.

Review Dump - March 2008

I can't remember the last time I was this busy. My schedule is just full and it's been hard to find time for reviews. Without including all the boring details, here's the first ever Movie Slut Review Dump. Perhaps I'll give some or all of these titles a proper treatment someday down the road. Meanwhile, I hope you don't find the temporary change of format too offensive.














The Bank Job - 2008
What It Is: Dramatization of a real-life 1971 bank robbery.
What I Thought: A damn fine hiest film.














Hell Comes To Frogtown - 1987
What It Is: Post-apocalyptic cult film starring Rowdy Roddy.
What I Thought: Terrible enough to be pretty fun.














Brotherhood of the Wolf (Le Pacte Des Loups) - 2001
What It Is: Werewolves vs. Native American martial artists, in 18th century France.
What I Thought: Ridiculous...ly awesome!














Night Hawks - 1981
What It Is: Stalone the cop chases Rutger the arsonist.
What I Thought: Good cop movie with a good villain.














Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-Hime)- 1997
What It Is: Anime about nature vs. industry/humanity.
What I Thought: One of the best Anime films ever!














Hard Boiled (Lat Sau San Taam) - 1992
What It Is: John Woo's last film before Hollywood.
What I Thought: Ranking #5 for the highest on-screen body count, what the fuck do you think? One of the greatest action films ever made!














Falling Down - 1993
What It Is: The Warriors with a shirt and tie.
What I Thought: Funny and frightening in the best possible way!














The Quest - 1996
What It Is: Van Damme and Roger Moore in a pulpy adventure flick.
What I Thought: Enjoyable when not taken seriously.














Perfect Creature - 2006
What It Is: The vampire film The Breed should've been.
What I Thought: Weak plot, gorgeous movie.











Planet Earth - 2006
What It Is: Most expensive nature show ever.
What I Thought: Best nature documentary ever!














The Beastmaster - 1982
What It Is: Classic sword and sorcery flick.
What I Thought: A little cheesy, but very very fun.














Targets - 1968
What It Is: Aging Boris Karloff vs. a psycho sniper.
What I Thought: A darkly enjoyable classic.














Doomsday - 2008
What It Is: Another Underworld/Equilibrium/Resident...
What I Thought: Just as good/bad as the movies it rips off.

Thriller - A Cruel Picture (Thriller - En Grym Film) - 1973

What It Is: The classic Swedish revenge film that inspired much of Tarantino's Kill Bill.

Why I Watched It: See Kill Bill comment above.

What I Thought: Excellent!

Thriller is an awesome revenge flick full of violence, drugs, retribution, and... surprisingly... hardcore sex.

A young girl is literally picked up off the side of the road, drugged up, hooked on heroin and forced to work as a prostitute. Her pimp makes one huge mistake and gives her a free day each week and a little spending cash. She uses that day to pick up some useful skills like driving, shooting, and hand-to-hand combat.

Why does she wish to learn these things? Let's just say her pimp isn't going to be happy when he finds out and neither will her customers.

Highlights: Sex and Violence with none of that silly Rock and Roll to get in the way!

Who Should See It: Revenge fans and cult movie buffs!

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever, it's a great film.

Salute to the Jugger (The Blood of Heroes) - 1989

What It Is: Only a super cool, post-apocalyptic, Australian, sports movie starring Rutger Hauer, Delroy Lindo, and Vincent D'Onofrio!

Why I Watched It: My buddy told me the concept and I just had to see it.

What I Thought: Fucking incredible! Take all the goodness of your stereotypical sports movie (*see below) and combine it with the goodness of gladiatorial combat, Mad Max, and Rutger Hauer.

Civilization is ruined, the only sport is brutal and violent. It's known only as "The Game" and no one knows why it came to be played with a dog's skull.

It that's not enough to get you itching to see the film, you should start looking for your inner child because you must have dropped it somewhere. If the movie does sound interesting, then there's nothing else I can say that will get you more excited than you already are. Just watch the fucking movie!

I have one last question for anyone left doubting how cool this movie is: How many other films lead to the creation of their very own sport?

That's right kids, there have been real Juggers for over 10 years!

Highlights: The Game and the Juggers are awesome, Joan Chen is a kick ass "qwik", and the dog's skull is an amazing touch!

Who Should See It: Sports fans, action fans, and sci-fi fans everywhere.

How Soon: Soon! It rocks!

*You know the one. Where you watch the underdogs work their way up the ranks until they face off with the undefeated team, only to get their ass kicked for most of the game until they finally pull out a win with mere seconds on the clock. It's only the plot of every sports movie ever.

The Punisher - 1989

What It Is: The first attempt to bring Marvel's Punisher character to the big screen.

Why I Watched It: Dolph Lundgren in a deliciously bad 80's action movie, why not watch it?

What I Thought: The entire movie is just a poorly acted excuse to put Lundgren on the screen, killing a whole bunch of bad guys. And that's okay by me.

Although Lundgren is his typically horrible self, Louis Gossett Jr. is a treat.

Highlights: The speech about justice from the Punisher's perspective, the mafia's kidnapped children, villainesses in tight latex, and scores of Yakuza ninjas!

Who Should See It: Lundgren's following, comic fanboys, and action movie buffs.

How Soon: This movie can only get better with age.

The Bow (Hwal) - 2005

What It Is: A very strange yet beautiful coming-of-age story.

Why I Watched It: Every once in a while, a movie arrives from Netflix and I don't have the slightest idea why I queued it.

What I Thought: Although the story was masterfully told, I can't shake the feeling that some important element was missing from the film.

The movie is very simple. A fishing boat captain uses his bow to scare passengers away from his young female ward. The old man isn't entirely wholesome of course, he plans on marrying her when she turns 17. The young girl has no problem with this until a handsome boy books a fishing trip and she falls for him. Does the old man stick with his plan or let the young girl live her own life? The answer may surprise you.

Like a Zen koan, the film's simplicity is its beauty. The Bow is Korean minimalist storytelling at its finest. The entire movie takes place on the boat. The cast consists of only 3 notable characters with only another 10 or so for color. Best of all though, the young girl and the old man never speak. Their entire emotional story is told through expression, action, and music. The Bow doesn't bog down with unnecessary dialogue because sometimes a story is simply more effective without out.

The Bow is a powerful poem of a film the culminates with an extremely bizarre, unexpected, yet equally beautiful ending. The Bow was really good, but I can't help but think that a less bizarre ending would have topped of the story better.

Highlights: Silent yet powerful performances from the leads, beautiful backdrops, an intriguing divination ritual, and an ending rife with conversation fodder.

Who Should See It: Artsy types, romantics, and fans of bizarre Asian cinema.

How Soon: No rush.

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (Hatsujô Kateikyôshi: Sensei no Aijiru) - 2003

What It Is: One of the strangest movies I have ever seen. And that says a lot!

Why I Watched It: The plot synopsis mentioned "slut turned brainiac . . . walked off with George W. Bush's finger . . . in this surreal sexploitation romp." Why would I not watch it?

What I Thought: One of the most frustrating things about being a "movie guy" is that the movies I most want to tell people about are usually the hardest to explain. C'est la vie!

Sachiko Hanai is a cult hit from the Japanese softcore genre known as "pink film." First there's a hooker that witnesses a black market deal and gets a bullet in the head for her trouble. Then the hooker wakes up a genius and wanders off with the black market object being sold. She then has sex with a lot of people, discovers the object is actually the cloned finger of President Bush, she has sex with the finger, and then decides to use it to remote trigger the world's nuclear devices.

There you go. What more could you possibly want to know about such a classy film? *evil grin*

Highlights: The first "money shot" has more "money" than I have ever seen, the film's depiction of W is simply priceless, a rape scene involves a cloned finger with a mind and mobility of it's own, and G.I. Joe figures are used to represent the American military.

Who Should See It: Only fans of the truly bizarre.

How Soon: Gather some friends that appreciate odd cinema and enjoy 90 minutes of the disturbing, hilarious, and sometimes arousing life of Sachiko Hanai.

Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace - 2004

What It Is: A very sophomoric sophomore attempt from Odessa Filmworks.

Why I Watched It: Odessa's last film was the awesome kung-fu musical, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

What I Thought: Simply liking one film by a writer/director/studio/whatever, does not mean you'll like their other works.

Much like a line from one of the songs featured in the movie, the film itself was indeed "running on empty." Unlike the very next line from the very same song, the film was not "running on awesome." Harry Knuckles did have a handful of very funny scenes, but it was way too long. At 2 hours in length, the movie followed a snails pace despite the director's mention of cutting an additional hour from the film.

Harry Knuckles' few good moments just weren't enough to make up for the slow and boring majority of the film.

Highlights: Action scenes involving gratuitous fist to genital introductions, intentionally bad one liners, and much, much more schlock.

Who Should See It: Nobody, watch the truly inspired Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter instead!

How Soon: Never.

Hellraiser - 1987

What It Is: The first in a long series of Hellraiser brand S&M horror movies.

Why I Watched It: The movie has spawned 7 sequels and has a remake in the works, it must have done something right.

What I Thought: It was gory but in that over-the-top style that uses far too many buckets of red paint. It lacked the visceral realism of movies like High Tension or Saw.

The story followed the traditional arc of every Hellraiser movie (person seeks pleasure, finds box that promises to bring pleasure, box brings demons instead, pleasure plus pain equals bloodshed and person's death), but followed up with an interesting addition. The man killed by "Pinhead" escaped and tempts his lover into bringing him back to life by murdering innocents. Each innocent brings him closer to normality, but they have to hurry because Pinhead is on his tail.

It was fun to watch for its pivotal place in the evolution of the Horror film, but I think it's purpose has been better served by more recent fair.

Highlights: Gooey special effects galore!

Who Should See It: Horror buffs.

How Soon: Save it for a late Saturday night rental.

High Tension (Haute Tension) - 2003

What It Is: A movie that single handedly proves French cinema is capable of more than artsy romances.

Why I Watched It: I've seen a ton of French films and was more than intrigued at the rumor of a French slasher film, done well!

What I Thought: Bloody brilliant!

Cécile de France is incredible as the main character, but the rest of the cast is only mediocre. Not that it matters that much. We don't watch slasher films for the quality acting now do we?

The violence and gore in High Tension are ratcheted many notches above the vast majority of half-assed American horror films. High Tension also plays on our expectations of the slasher genre with a few unexpected twists and turns.

Watch the Unrated Version. Unlike most "extended" or "unedited" DVDs out there, High Tension's NC17 cut includes an entire death scene completely removed from the R version as well as many deliciously gruesome seconds worth of gore that really drive the guttural impact of the film.

It deserves mention that High Tension isn't simply an excuse for bloodshed. There is a very interesting story underlying all the violence that will leave you thinking long after the movie's over.

Highlights: Gruesome death scenes, only the second film I've seen that features oral sex with a severed head, many deaths are drawn out just enough to hit you with some extreme discomfort, interesting twists and plays on the genre, and one bad ass chick with a barbed wire bat!

Who Should See It: Horror fans, slasher fans, or people that think all foreign films are black and white silent films about romance or love.

How Soon: Grab the Unrated DVD and settle in for 1.5 hours of delicious discomfort that only a well crafted gore-fest can bring!

High Tension (Unrated Widescreen Edition)

D-War - 2007

What It Is: A big budget Korean movie about monstrous serpents searching for the ultimate power.

Why I Watched It: Explosions plus dragons equals awesome. Still, I wasn't exactly rushing to theater, but my friend convinced me to see it on a lark.

What I Thought: I shouldn't have bothered. It was schlock. Take a really bad 70s kung fu flick, add it to the horrible Dungeons & Dragons movie, and you have D-War.

It sucked!

Highlights: The terrible dialogue led me to believe Engrish had been translated into bad English.

Who Should See It: People that deserve to be punished.

How Soon: As soon as they do something awful enough to deserve quality cinema like D-War.

Felicity - 1979

What It Is: An Australian sexploitation flick about one girl's sexual awakening.

Why I Watched It: Grindhouse turned me on to grindhouse cinema, my explorations led me to a few of the "classics".

What I Thought: After choosing the movie on a bit of a lark, I was surprised that Felicity was actually a decent piece of erotica. The fact that the movie still arouses it's targeted emotions some 30 years later is pretty fucking impressive! Felicity is an above average softcore film with a refreshingly plausible storyline.

The girls are pretty despite some outdated fashion and some unruly standards of pubic hair maintenance. Of course, these are my own standards so you may disagree completely. All in all, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised if you pick up Felicity for a fun softcore romp.

Highlights: Felicity and Me Ling going to the bathhouse was very sexy, the plot makes sense, Me Ling was hot, and Felicity's English accent was a treat throughout!

Who Should See It: Anybody interested in "classic" softcore, sexploitation, or grindhouse.

How Soon: Felicity seems to be immune to the passage of time. Its still fulfilling its purpose even 30 years later. I'm thinking you can wait as long as you like!

A Fistfull of Dollars (Per un Pugno di Dollari) - 1964

What It Is: The first movie in the classic Clint Eastwood / Sergio Leone trilogy of westerns.

Why I Watched It: I'd never seen it and it's such a classic!

What I Thought: If you didn't know, A Fistful of Dollars is Leone's adaptation of Kurosawa's Yojimbo. The original is still my favorite version of the story, although this one wasn't bad at all.

Clint Eastwood's portrayal of the, now iconic, "man with no name" was more than enough reason to make me glad I watched the movie. It's easy to see how the character spawned two sequels and a bit of film legend.

Other than Eastwood, nothing about the movie specifically stands out for me. It was good, but I felt so familiar with the story that the plot itself didn't hold anything new for me. I've seen Yojimbo several times and I've seen the newer adaptation, Last Man Standing, of the film quite a few times as well.

Highlights: Eastwood's "Man With No Name"!

Who Should See It: Western fans, Eastwood fans, and other film buffs. As for the story itself, I highly suggest you see Yojimbo instead.

How Soon: It's over 40 years old already, I don't think it's going anywhere.

The Man with No Name Trilogy

Saving Face - 2004

What It Is: An American romantic comedy about a Chinese-American girl who's attracted to another girl while avoiding her controlling mother's desire to marry her off.

Why I Watched It: Romantic comedies are surprisingly tolerable when they're about cute lesbians.

What I Thought: Although I enjoyed Saving Face quite a bit, I still didn't like it quite as much as Imagine Me & You. *I'll confess to a sizable fetish for hot girls with English accents.*

I enjoyed the performances a lot. The mother character was just as cool as the adorable lead, for entirely different reasons of course. I didn't know much about the plot and I was rewarded with some funny surprises and twists. Obviously, I won't deny you that same chance by going into too much detail here.

Highlights: All the actors were above par and even the most callous characters had qualities that made them lovable.

Who Should See It: Anyone looking for a good romantic comedy or a good lesbian film.

How Soon: It would make a good "date night" movie, other than that you can watch it whenever you want!

Seven Samurai (Shichinin No Samurai) - 1954

*I usually use the title pic from the film's Wikipedia page, but I didn't like the chosen image for Seven Samurai.*

What It Is: A truly incredible Akira Kurosawa movie about 7 ronin that band together to defend a poor farm town from bandits. Also, it's the movie that inspired the classic western, The Magnificent Seven.

Why I Watched It: It's probably the first subtitled movie that ever took my breath away.

What I Thought: It was filmed in 1954 and it still rocks. The story is good, the cast is awesome, the humor is well-placed, the tragedy works and the heroism hits home.

I really can't say enough. Kurosawa was on his A-game with Seven Samurai and it seems his key actors were as well. The film does exactly what it sets out to do and that's really all you can ask for.

Highlights: The in-depth characters of the samurai themselves (the leader Kambei directly inspired Yoda), Toshirō Mifune is hilariously great as usual, "find hungry samurai", and "I can't kill a lot with only one sword!"

Who Should See It: Foreign film buffs, Asian movie fans, and everybody else!

How Soon: Whenever you're ready for a tragically cool and very classic samurai tale!

Seven Samurai

Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor) - 2006

What It Is: The sequel to Russia's blockbuster Night Watch, it continues the tale of war between Light and Dark Others (good and evil supernaturals) and the man caught in between. As the two forces prepare for battle, Anton searches for a way to set things right.

Why I Watched It: The first one was cool, but left me with one hell of a cliffhanger. I had to find out what happened!

What I Thought: It was just as big, shiny, fast, and fun as the first one. Day Watch had me thoroughly confused through half the movie with multi-layered plots, body switching, flashbacks, and dream sequences, but I finally got it all figured out. I think. I'm guessing that, like Night Watch, it will take multiple viewings to really understand.

The entire cast from Night Watch was back for the sequel, with the character of Anton again being the focus of the tale. The love story between him and Svetlana was handled well and even played a huge part in the surprise ending. Anton's son was also back though he showed noticeable signs from his time with the Dark Others.

All the crazy action and effects from the first movie were outdone in this sequel. The climactic battle was truly impressive and more than equalled the current special effects powerhouses from Hollywood. Even the ridiculous "Chalk of Fate" plot device was nicely implemented throughout Day Watch. All of the restrictions regarding said Chalk made the exercise of determining how best to use it a fun little exercise. The Chalk can only alter the past so it proved a wonderful vehicle for concepts of regret and redemption.

The only problem I had with Day Watch is that its incredibly unexpected ending makes me even more curious what they're going to do with the final movie of the series!

Highlights: Body switching that didn't remind me of nine 80's movies, awesome effects, really fucking awesome effects, and a surprisingly upbeat ending.

Who Should See It: Fans of the first one, action horror fans that don't mind subtitles, and anyone that wants to see a foreign film that's better than most American blockbuster sequels.

How Soon: If you're lucky, Day Watch is still playing in your area. If you're not, you'll have to wait for DVD like the rest of us.