The Hand - 1981

What It Is: Stephen King-esque horror film, written and directed by Oliver Stone. Weird huh?

Why I Watched It: Plot synopsis alone.

What I Thought: Not bad.

Here's the plot. A comic artist loses his hand in a car accident and it's never recovered. His disability makes him more and more irritable until he becomes a proper fucker. Because of his growing hate, in addition to it, or for some other unknown reason, his severed hand decides it's time to get revenge on all the people making his life difficult.

How fucking awesome is that?! Unfortunately, as good as the plot is, the movie itself just doesn't pack the punch it should. It's far less disturbing than it should be and simply plays out like Addams Family's "Thing" on a strangling rampage. I got real tired of watching people get strangled by a disembodied hand. Perhaps my expectations were too high?

The one saving grace of the film is a kick ass faux twist at the end. I don't recall any other film doing this, but I've been wrong before.

Did I mention The Hand stars Michael Caine? No? It's probably because his performance really wasn't worth mentioning.

Highlights: The awesome car accident scene. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Who Should See It: Only hardcore Caine fans or people that LOVE Stephen King knock offs.

How Soon: Skip it.

One Missed Call - 2007

What It Is: A mediocre American remake of a (probably much better) Japanese thriller.

Why I Watched It: I wanted to see a movie with a friend and there wasn't much else to see that week.

What I Thought: Blah.

Unoriginal and poorly told ghost story that felt way too much like The Ring. Apparently, I'm not the first to think so either. The almighty Wikipedia says, "Although the film is a remake of Chakushin Ari, the film has been strongly criticised of borrowing plot elements and being similar to The Grudge, The Ring and Pulse." It's worth mentioning that this particular Wikipedia quote is backed by six citations.

Highlights: I'm starting to dig Edward Burns.

Who Should See It: Seriously, the film features nothing new. Skip it.

How Soon: SKIP IT

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - 2007

What It Is: Film version of a twisted Broadway musical about a 19th-century, revenge fueled, serial killing barber that bakes his victims into meat pies and serves them back to the public.

Why I Watched It: In the words of one of my very favorite actors, and the star of this cinematic gem, "How many chances do you get at a musical about a serial killer?"

What I Thought: Amazing! Incredibly! Expletive! After watching a high school production of Guys and Dolls, then seeing Moulin Rouge and the recent Chicago and now Sweeney Todd, I will officially go on record to profess my love for musicals. Of course, this should really be interpreted as a love for "good" musicals and Sweeney Todd was the best I've seen to date!

Surprisingly though, Sweeney Todd was more than a good musical. It was a good horror film, it was a fantastic revenge story and incredibly suspenseful. Sweeney Todd is fucking brilliant!

Highlights: Laughing in the face of the macabre, buckets of blood, an amazing Johnny Depp, a slew of cameos, awesome songs, a great revenge tale, and one hell of a villain!

Who Should See It: Depp's legion of fans and anyone that's as intrigued by the slasher/musical combination as I was. Seriously, if you're the slightest bit curious, you'll love the movie!

How Soon: An amazing film, just in time for the holidays! Use it as an escape when the big reunited family events start to wear on your patience. Nothin' says relief like tons of laughs and tons of blood.

I Am Legend - 2007

What It Is: Post-apocalyptic horror adaptation of the 50's novel.

Why I Watched It: Post-apocalyptic vampire movie!

What I Thought: It was good. I was stupid.

I knew the storyline from the book and was silly enough to expect the movie to cover the same ground. I was even silly enough to begin looking forward to it. I should have known.

The Movie Sluts #1 Rule: Don't expect anything from a film and you will rarely be disappointed.

Legend was a good horror flick, lots of jumpy scares and some pretty disturbing images. My friend went in with no expectations (good boy that one) and was very pleased with the whole production. The landscapes and sets were gorgeous by the way.

Highlights: Post-apocalyptic New York, truly scary vampire beasties, and a believably crazy Will Smith!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, horror fans, and Will Smith's following.

How Soon: Shouldn't lose much on DVD.

The Omega Man - 1971

What It Is: An old Heston film based on the 1954 book I Am Legend.

Why I Watched It: I was intrigued by the upcoming Will Smith picture and decided to do a little research.

What I Thought: I don't know if it was the production value, the plot, or Heston himself, but the movie felt so much like Planet of the Apes it was ridiculous!

It was weird in that unquantifiable 70s sci-fi way. It had a good concept, but would be so much better (and possibly easier to connect with) if it was reproduced now.

I'm glad their doing just that.

Highlights: Um... the face that they're remaking it?

Who Should See It: Hard-core Heston fans and NRA card holders.

How Soon: I'd just wait a few weeks for the Will Smith version. It looks good!

Bedazzled - 2000

What It Is: Sexy remake of a 60's comedy about a man who sells his soul to the devil and ends up learning a lot about himself.

Why I Watched It: Um, cause it's got a super hot British chick in it!

What I Thought: It's funny. A bit on the goofy side sometimes, but really funny. Bedazzled also sneaked in a surprisingly good message about what we really want, compared to what we think we want.

Oh yeah, Elizabeth Hurley also happened to be painfully hot throughout. Her outfits throughout the whole film covered the gamut of male fantasy. There's something for everyone in there!

I got a kick out of Fraser's comedic performance, but I still think he really shines in the Mummy movies. The supporting cast is also worth a mention since Orlando Jones and others all play vastly different parts during each of Fraser's "wishes". Part of the movie's fun was waiting to see where Fraser's friends would show up in each alternate reality.

Highlights: Elizabeth Hurley, a funny Fraser, a good message and a fun exploration into one man's American dream.

Who Should See It: Hurley fans or anybody in mood for a cute movie about a guy wising up about what's really important to him.

How Soon: It would be a decent rental.

Scaramouche - 1952

What It Is: A classic swashbuckling tale of love and revenge.

Why I Watched It: Scaramouche reportedly contained an "epic sword duel over 6 minutes long!"

What I Thought: It was surprisingly good. It more than entertained me and my roommate and we don't typically get excited about vintage Hollywood.

The story involves revenge and romance in pre-revolution France. I was reminded of The Count of Monte Cristo, but in all the best ways. The love story is fun in that old-fashioned kind of way, but the fencing in the movie really shines!

Highlights: Decent story, funny scenes involving the comedy troop, and an above par sword duel ranging through 5 different sets!

Who Should See It: Classic movie buffs and swashbuckler fans.

How Soon: Whenever.

Halloween - 2007

What It Is: Rob Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's horror classic.

Why I Watched It: I liked the original and I heard lots of good things about Zombie's retelling.

What I Thought: I've never been one to dislike remakes simply because original works are sacred and should never be redone. Most remakes are horrible (Psycho, Assault on Precinct 13, Godzilla...), but some are truly inspired (Departed, Gladiator, Scarface...). Thankfully, Rob Zombie didn't re-shoot Halloween frame for frame *cough, Psycho, cough* and instead took Carpenter's advice to "make it his own".

Zombie took the chance to explain a great deal more about, the now iconic, Michael Meyers. We got to see little Michael's abusive upbringing and we came to understand how real psychopaths are made. There were a few small problems with this approach though.

The first half of the movie, Michael's backstory, was BORING. The Michael Meyers we know and love is a mysteriously silent killing machine with no history, no personality, and no motives save an assumed love of carnage. The Michael shown to us in this remake is just a sick man with a fucked up childhood. Once the unknown and unexplained in Michael's backstory was all filled in, he wasn't a scary monster any longer. He was just a mixed up kid. Halloween ceased to be a horror movie and became more of a psychological thriller.

An unimpressive thriller at that. With choppy, indiscernible camera work. Mumble... bitch... etc.

Highlights: More information about Michael's iconic mask and coveralls, continued use of the classic theme music, and Malcolm Mcdowell as Dr. Loomis!

Who Should See It: Fans of Zombie's other movies will probably love this one.

How Soon: Whenever.

3:10 to Yuma - 2007

What It Is: Russel Crowe is the baddest outlaw in the west and Christian Bale plays the desperate farmer who volunteers to escort Crowe to the prison train, when no one else will.

Why I Watched It: Aside from the desire to see anything with Christian Bale, the plot hit enough of the right buttons to intrigue me.

What I Thought: The movie was way better than I hoped!

If character is a big part of every western, then 3:10 to Yuma had it in spades. I could rave about Christian Bale, but the same praise applies to 98% of the films he does. The guy is always amazing. Russell Crowe on the other hand, although very watchable, hasn't really blown me away since Gladiator. Until now. Crowe's outlaw in 3:10 to Yuma was one of the most enjoyable villains I've seen in ages!

There's a healthy amount of gunplay in the movie, but you really come to expect that from a western. What you don't expect is a film overflowing with moral dilemma and ethical introspection. In the movie, Dan accepts the impossible job of escorting Ben Wade, completely aware that Wade's bloodthirsty gang will constantly try to free him. Dan is repeatedly presented with the choice to give up and, as the movie continues, the reward for setting Wade free increases along with the risk for continuing to guard him. Meanwhile, Wade skillfully manipulates his captors, trying to turn them against each other even while he struggles with second thoughts over his own choices.

Does Dan ultimately give in, choosing the safe and prosperous path over the painful but "right" one? Does Wade have a change of heart and rebuke his violent lifestyle? Well, you'll just have to watch the movie to find out. The answer may surprise you!

Highlights: Amazing performances by Christian Bale and Russel Crowe, Ben Foster (Angel from X-Men 3) as the perfect evil lieutenant, thrilling gunplay, tough moral questions, and a healthy helping of wooden leg quips!

Who Should See It: Action fans, western fans, philosophy majors, and fans of Crowe or Bale.

How Soon: There's a lot of interesting movies coming out this month, but if you're looking for the sure thing, this is it!

A Fistfull of Dollars (Per un Pugno di Dollari) - 1964

What It Is: The first movie in the classic Clint Eastwood / Sergio Leone trilogy of westerns.

Why I Watched It: I'd never seen it and it's such a classic!

What I Thought: If you didn't know, A Fistful of Dollars is Leone's adaptation of Kurosawa's Yojimbo. The original is still my favorite version of the story, although this one wasn't bad at all.

Clint Eastwood's portrayal of the, now iconic, "man with no name" was more than enough reason to make me glad I watched the movie. It's easy to see how the character spawned two sequels and a bit of film legend.

Other than Eastwood, nothing about the movie specifically stands out for me. It was good, but I felt so familiar with the story that the plot itself didn't hold anything new for me. I've seen Yojimbo several times and I've seen the newer adaptation, Last Man Standing, of the film quite a few times as well.

Highlights: Eastwood's "Man With No Name"!

Who Should See It: Western fans, Eastwood fans, and other film buffs. As for the story itself, I highly suggest you see Yojimbo instead.

How Soon: It's over 40 years old already, I don't think it's going anywhere.

The Man with No Name Trilogy