The Core - 2003

What It Is: Sci-fi tale about a trip to the earth's core, sans any primeval jungles or dinosaurs.

Why I Watched It: I was in the mood for pretty visuals.

What I Thought: It delivered on the visuals, but that's about it.

The whole movie was pretty mediocre. Mediocre plot, mediocre performances, and a mostly mediocre cast. Save for Delroy Lindo. I fucking love that guy!

The Core is certainly pretty, but that's really about it.

Highlights: The idea of using WMDs to save the world, Delroy Lindo, Aaron Eckhart, a cheesy fun hacker part, and pretty effects.

Who Should See It: I'd suggest it only to hard core sci-fi fans.

How Soon: Take your time. It's not getting any better and it probably won't get any worse.

Cloverfield - 2008

What It Is: A street view of a giant monster attacking New York.

Why I Watched It: It had an interesting concept and people just wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

What I Thought: A fresh perspective on the "giant monster attacks New York" movie. The shaky camera wasn't quite as bad some viewers were saying, but parts of the film were still difficult to watch. All in all, the interesting viewpoint of the film's action made the unpleasant camera work sufferable.

Highlights: Spooky subway tunnels, helpful military, and lots of death.

Who Should See It: Giant Monster Movie fans and film buffs looking for a new spin on an old genre.

How Soon: Whenever.

Blacula - 1972

What It Is: A surprisingly watchable blaxploitation take on classic vampire films!

Why I Watched It: I dig vampires, I dig the delightful 'wrongness' that is exploitation cinema. What's not to love about a movie that combines both?

What I Thought: It was actually pretty good!

NY Diva was dead on when she said, "it combines campy blaxploitation movies with campy horror movies" and let me tell you friends, these are two great tastes that taste great together.

The plot made more sense than a lot of today's horror films, the acting was way better than I'd hoped, and the effects (from bullets to bites to burning vampires) were good too! That covers all the vampire movie parts of the flick, but what about it's exploitation side?

I've seen a lot of grindhouse and exploitation movies, but let me tell ya' turkeys, Blacula just jumped to the top of the list! The fro's are big, the clothes are pimp, and the slang epithets are common enough to make this Generation Y movie slut all kinds of politically uncomfortable. Words like "nigger" and "faggot" were thrown around by black actors as well as white, without a single one being used negatively. The fact that they were simply labels was the most unnerving part!

Don't let a bit of outdated language turn you away though, Blacula is good vampire flick and an above par blaxploitation film.

Dig This!: Awesome dialogue, decent plot, fantastic costumes, a character named "Skillet", good action, and actual flames on actual people!

Who Should See It: Blaxploitation fans and vampire fans everywhere.

How Soon: Grab the DVD whenever you want!

Shrooms - 2007

What It Is: A few American backpackers meet an Irish friend for a nice shroom trip in the woods... and are then stalked by a serial killer.

Why I Watched It: It's a slasher movie about shrooms!

What I Thought: It wasn't a very good horror movie about shrooms.


The film follows the horribly standardized slasher movie plot seen in House of 1000 Corpses, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Touristas, etc. The violence in Shrooms wasn't at all groundbreaking so it had very little to offer aside from the novel concept of having the poor victims be tripping during the whole thing.

The fact that all the survivors were high meant that many strange visuals and scares could be easily justified since the sights didn't actually have to be real at all! It was an interesting twist, but not enough to redeem the movie from mediocrity.

Speaking of twists, there's a decent reveal at the end but again, it just wasn't enough.

Highlights: The reveal and an awesome setting in the mist woods of Ireland.

Who Should See It: I don't know. Bored horror buffs I suppose.

How Soon: No hurry.

The Warriors - 1979

What It Is: A great 70's flick about a group of wayward soldiers that must fight their way home, over 100 miles of turf controlled by every other gang in the city.

Why I Watched It: It was a favorite when I was I kid and a friend raved about the new Director's Cut version.

What I Thought: The Director's Cut makes a good movie simply fucking incredible!

The Warriors is a colorful, sometimes moving, sometimes cheesy story of violence, mayhem, revenge, adventure, betrayal, blah, blah, blah. The costumes are crazy over-the-top, but that's all part of the fun. The dialogue is stiff but it lends itself to the surrealism of the whole production. The 70's soundtrack is awesome! Last but not least... the mostly deserted streets of 70's New York provide a surreal backdrop for the whole show.

The story is an adaptation of the Greek tale Anabasis by Xenophon. I didn't know this when I was a kid, but I always felt there was a certain epic quality to the film that made it so moving and enjoyable. The new DVD demonstrates this connection nicely.

Highlights: The cast, the story, the setting, the costumes, and the dialogue come together famously, but one line from a very coked up Rogue is simply unforgettable!

Who Should See It: Action fans and anyone that enjoys a good epic myth.

How Soon: As soon as possible!

The Warriors (The Ultimate Director's Cut)

Assault on Precinct 13 - 1976

What It Is: John Carpenter's second film and a classic action/horror movie.

Why I Watched It: Cause it is a flagship title in one of my favorite sub-genres, siege movies.

What I Thought: This movie holds up surprisingly well for being 30 years old. It's just as chilling, unsettling, spooky, and classic as it was originally.

Since precinct 13 is moving to a new building, only a skeleton crew is left around for the place's last night. An unexpected guest arrives and the crew soon discovers he's being hounded by the toughest street gang in L.A. The good guys have to team up with the bad or no one will make it out alive.

It's got all the best action and themes from Night of the Living Dead 'cept we leave out the zombies and substitute intelligent, cooperative, gang bangers with automatic weapons!

Highlights: Napoleon, a non-comical strong black lead, and the first death of the film proving the movie is going to take an unexpected route.

Who Should See It: Carpenter fans, action fans, and horror fans!

How Soon: Right now!

Assault on Precinct 13 (Special Edition)

One Missed Call - 2007

What It Is: A mediocre American remake of a (probably much better) Japanese thriller.

Why I Watched It: I wanted to see a movie with a friend and there wasn't much else to see that week.

What I Thought: Blah.

Unoriginal and poorly told ghost story that felt way too much like The Ring. Apparently, I'm not the first to think so either. The almighty Wikipedia says, "Although the film is a remake of Chakushin Ari, the film has been strongly criticised of borrowing plot elements and being similar to The Grudge, The Ring and Pulse." It's worth mentioning that this particular Wikipedia quote is backed by six citations.

Highlights: I'm starting to dig Edward Burns.

Who Should See It: Seriously, the film features nothing new. Skip it.

How Soon: SKIP IT

Apocalypto - 2006

What It Is: Crazy Mel Gibson's chase tale set during the downfall of Mayan civilization.

Why I Watched It: I heard surprisingly good things about it from a handful of trusted sources.

What I Thought: The sources were right, it was surprisingly good! The movie follows one man's experience through the beginning of the end for Maya. Don't be thrown off by Gibson's name or the fact that it's subtitled. Apocalypto has a lot more to do with The Fugitive, Most Dangerous Game, or Running Man than it does with Passion of the Christ.

Apocalypto is an action movie and a good one at that. The Mayan language used throughout the film doesn't feel as historical as it feels primal. The movie's about survival, death, revenge, etc.

I also particularly like the film's theme of conquering one's own fear. It's a powerful message that's made considerably more powerful by it's delivery.

Highlights: Flint Sky's last words, "releasing" the prisoners, Jaguar Paw's rebirth as a hero, and the film's constant adrenaline rush!

Who Should See It: Action fans, Joseph Campbell fans, and anyone interested in one man's best guess regarding Mayan culture.

How Soon: Rent it anytime, you won't be sorry!

I Am Legend - 2007

What It Is: Post-apocalyptic horror adaptation of the 50's novel.

Why I Watched It: Post-apocalyptic vampire movie!

What I Thought: It was good. I was stupid.

I knew the storyline from the book and was silly enough to expect the movie to cover the same ground. I was even silly enough to begin looking forward to it. I should have known.

The Movie Sluts #1 Rule: Don't expect anything from a film and you will rarely be disappointed.

Legend was a good horror flick, lots of jumpy scares and some pretty disturbing images. My friend went in with no expectations (good boy that one) and was very pleased with the whole production. The landscapes and sets were gorgeous by the way.

Highlights: Post-apocalyptic New York, truly scary vampire beasties, and a believably crazy Will Smith!

Who Should See It: Sci-fi fans, horror fans, and Will Smith's following.

How Soon: Shouldn't lose much on DVD.

The Burning - 1981

What It Is: An early slasher film written by the Weinstein brothers.

Why I Watched It: Looking into The Uninvited Guest on Amazon, I noticed The Burning listed under one of those "customers viewing this item also purchased..." sections.

What I Thought: The plot is a bit similar to Friday the 13th, but not to the point of plagiarism. Tom Savini (played "Sex Machine" in From Dusk Till Dawn and worked make-up for Friday the 13th and Romero's Living Dead films) was in charge of special effects and make-up, but there just weren't enough killings to really do him justice.

Most of the Burning is less than spectacular, yet it's the movie's cast that made it so watchable. Not for their awesome performances mind you, rather The Burning happens to be the shared first film of so many notable actors. Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter, Fisher Stevens and Brian Backer were all on board. Most had bit parts, but Jason Alexander actually had a strong supporting role and a full head of hair!

Highlights: Worst practical joke ever, Jason Alexander with hair, and a nice first death scene.

Who Should See It: Slasher aficionados and Tom Savini fans.

How Soon: Whenever you're dying to see Holly Hunter's or Jason Alexander's first film.

30 Days of Night - 2007

What It Is: A nice conversion of a comic detailing 30 days of darkness in the northernmost town in Alaska... and the vampires that decide to vacation there.

Why I Watched It: Because the comic fucking ROCKED!

What I Thought: 30 Days was a damn good vampire film and a good comic to screen translation. It wasn't quite as literal a translation as Sin City or 300, but the changes were fairly minor and didn't detract from the enjoyment of the movie.

And this movie featured buckets of enjoyment. Realistic and visceral buckets of enjoyment. By enjoyment I of course mean bloodshed, but that's what you want from a vampire film right?

30 Days of Night was one of the most atmospheric horror films I've seen in a long time. Moments of truly copious violence were spaced out by moody sequences focusing on the terror and paranoia of the protagonists. Much of the violence actually took place off camera with the survivors only hearing the screams or merely finding the aftermath. 30 Days drove it's point home brilliantly: No one is coming for you, you can't escape, there are more of them, and you are their food!

I also want to take the time to mention the particular nature of the vampires featured in 30 Days. They weren't Anne Rice's sexy immortals and they weren't Blade's stylish villains. They were intelligent blood spattered predators with a thirst so great that every decision regarded finding the next meal. Think of intelligent and fast zombies, but switch food sources and you have the right idea. The vampires in 30 Days were no longer people, they fucking ATE people.

Highlights: One man's idea of "saving" his family, the crane shot over the massacre, vampires hunting with bait, and the often overlooked axe as a vampire slaying weapon!

Who Should See It: Horror fans, comic geeks, and vampire lovers.

How Soon: A good scare just in time for Halloween? Perfect!

Dagon - 2001

What It Is: An adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow Over Innsmouth.

Why I Watched It: I have a passing interest in the Cthulhu Mythos (the world and stories created by Lovecraft).

What I Thought: Crazy, crazy Spanish villagers fell on hard times, prayed to the fish god Dagon, and became little fish people servants as a result. Weird.

Dagon wasn't an exceptionally good horror movie. I think it was even below average fair, but it did encapsulate the standard Cthulhu themes pretty well. Regular people get faced with ancient evils far beyond their ability and comprehension and then must fight the losing battle in opposition or take the easy path of insanity.

Highlights: Freaky fish people and their freaky fishy limbs!

Who Should See It: Fans of "excellent" Lovecraft inspired films like The Re-Animator.

How Soon: Take your time.

Hellraiser - 1987

What It Is: The first in a long series of Hellraiser brand S&M horror movies.

Why I Watched It: The movie has spawned 7 sequels and has a remake in the works, it must have done something right.

What I Thought: It was gory but in that over-the-top style that uses far too many buckets of red paint. It lacked the visceral realism of movies like High Tension or Saw.

The story followed the traditional arc of every Hellraiser movie (person seeks pleasure, finds box that promises to bring pleasure, box brings demons instead, pleasure plus pain equals bloodshed and person's death), but followed up with an interesting addition. The man killed by "Pinhead" escaped and tempts his lover into bringing him back to life by murdering innocents. Each innocent brings him closer to normality, but they have to hurry because Pinhead is on his tail.

It was fun to watch for its pivotal place in the evolution of the Horror film, but I think it's purpose has been better served by more recent fair.

Highlights: Gooey special effects galore!

Who Should See It: Horror buffs.

How Soon: Save it for a late Saturday night rental.

Halloween - 2007

What It Is: Rob Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's horror classic.

Why I Watched It: I liked the original and I heard lots of good things about Zombie's retelling.

What I Thought: I've never been one to dislike remakes simply because original works are sacred and should never be redone. Most remakes are horrible (Psycho, Assault on Precinct 13, Godzilla...), but some are truly inspired (Departed, Gladiator, Scarface...). Thankfully, Rob Zombie didn't re-shoot Halloween frame for frame *cough, Psycho, cough* and instead took Carpenter's advice to "make it his own".

Zombie took the chance to explain a great deal more about, the now iconic, Michael Meyers. We got to see little Michael's abusive upbringing and we came to understand how real psychopaths are made. There were a few small problems with this approach though.

The first half of the movie, Michael's backstory, was BORING. The Michael Meyers we know and love is a mysteriously silent killing machine with no history, no personality, and no motives save an assumed love of carnage. The Michael shown to us in this remake is just a sick man with a fucked up childhood. Once the unknown and unexplained in Michael's backstory was all filled in, he wasn't a scary monster any longer. He was just a mixed up kid. Halloween ceased to be a horror movie and became more of a psychological thriller.

An unimpressive thriller at that. With choppy, indiscernible camera work. Mumble... bitch... etc.

Highlights: More information about Michael's iconic mask and coveralls, continued use of the classic theme music, and Malcolm Mcdowell as Dr. Loomis!

Who Should See It: Fans of Zombie's other movies will probably love this one.

How Soon: Whenever.

Resident Evil: Extinction - 2007

What It Is: A completely unnecessary third installment in the Resident Evil series.

Why I Watched It: The first one was good, the second was okay, and they all feature the lovely Milla Jovovich kicking ass!

What I Thought: It SUCKED! When it comes to horror films, my standards aren't very high. It's rare to find an incredibly good film in an under appreciated genre, so I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. Extinction however, was just awful!

Were the effects good? Yeah. Was Milla gorgeous while covered in the blood of her enemies? Yeah. Was the plot bearable? Not at all.

I will not even begin to describe the idiocy that was this movie's storyline. I'll just say that the world ended and now the super telekinesis powers of Milla's character are the only hope of saving it. You see what I mean?

Highlights: Cool special effects, lots of Milla Jovovich, returning characters from RE: 2, and a murder of zombie crows.

Who Should See It: No one. I'm a hardcore Milla fan that watched Extinction simply because she was in it and I'm telling you, it wasn't worth it.

How Soon: Never.

Eastern Promises - 2007

What It Is: A new thriller about a Russian crime syndicate in London.

Why I Watched It: Viggo Mortensen, Naomi Watts, David Cronenberg, and Steven Knight (writer of Dirty Pretty Things) were all reasons to check it out.

What I Thought: Something's got me a little hung up. I'll try to figure it out...

The acting was amazing and the violence was Cronenberg intense. Yet, something about the story left me feeling like I was missing something.

Dirty Pretty Things was incredible and A History of Violence was fucking awesome. Eastern Promises should've rocked, but it just... didn't. It was good, but just not great. The movie felt unfinished. I'm not talking production, I mean the plot felt unfinished.

When Eastern Promises begins, it's all about Naomi Watts. Viggo's character is little more than a cameo for the first half of the film. As the movie progresses however, we spend less time with Watts and learn more and more about Mortensen. It seemed like the movie ended just when Viggo's character was hitting his defining moment. The Watts storyline was wrapped up, but the Mortenson story was just getting good! I felt robbed!

Eastern Promises was all right, but I think another 20 minutes of Viggo stuff at the end would have really made the film shine.

Highlights: Great performances from all involved and an uncommon dose of male nudity during a bloody and visceral knife fight at a public bath.

Who Should See It: You won't hate the film, but I think Dirty Pretty Things and A History of Violence are much better movies.

How Soon: Whenever.

The Insatiable - 2006

What It Is: A low budget Sean Patrick Flanery vampire movie that has more in common with Little Shop of Horrors than recent vamp flicks like Blade and Underworld. Flanery plays a regular guy that captures a vampire to prevent her from hunting, but the longer he keeps her captive the more he starts to fall for her.

Why I Watched It: Cause it's about vampires and Flanery's a good guy.

What I Thought: Not bad for a low budget film. The blood was sparse, but present enough to remind me that it was a horror movie. More than anything else, The Insatiable is about a guy's personal struggle with right and wrong.

He tracks down the vampire because she's killed 3 people in his neighborhood, but he can't bring himself to kill her once he finds her. He devises a trap instead and eventually captures her, holding her until he can think of a plan. He can't let her out, but he can't bear to see her starve to death so he spends the next few days coming up with ways to feed her. All the while, Silence of the Lambs style mind games ensue between captor and captive, until a final decision must be made.

Highlights: Flanery was an adorably believable dork, Charlotte Ayanna was sexy without being cliche, and a surprise appearance by Michael Biehn as a hardened vampire hunter.

Who Should See It: Hardcore fans of Sean Patrick Flanery or vampire movies.

How Soon: Take your time, The Insatiable is fun but it isn't exactly brilliant.

The Insatiable

Skinwalkers - 2007

What It Is: A less than spectacular werewolf movie that would have been a really good straight-to-video release.

Why I Watched It: Werewolf movies hold a special place in my heart. I watch all that I can find. I even rank them in order for things like "best transformation scene". Why wouldn't I watch it?

What I Thought: I hoped Skinwalkers was going to be a slick, sexy werewolf flick, sort of a Blade for lycanthropes. That's not what I got.

Despite having two very attractive women (Rhona Mitra and Natassia Malthe) in prominent roles, Skinwalkers wasn't sexy at all. Shame on you horror movie. Sex and violence go together like Doritos and applesauce, many people don't like them but for those that do there's really nothing else. The really sad thing is that Skinwalkers still wasn't sexy despite the sex scene with Natassia Malthe!

As for plot, Skinwalkers details a shapechanging condition believed to be a curse by some and a gift by others. The cursed want to save a boy the holds the key to curing all Skinwalkers while the gifted want to kill the boy and keep their powers. Conflict results in mediocre dialogue, mediocre acting, and mediocre werewolf on werewolf action (the sharp kind and the naked kind).

If you want a good classic werewolf movie, stick with The Howling. If you want a good newer werewolf film, watch Dog Soldiers.

Highlights: Attractive actresses, Elias Koteas in another cheesy horror movie, Grandma + shootout = fun, and the crazy bus.

Who Should See It: Probably only those that insist on seeing every werewolf movie, fully expecting them to be less than incredible.

How Soon: Take your time, Skinwalkers should be hitting DVD real soon...

Leviathan - 1989

What It Is: An underwater horror movie from my childhood starring Peter Weller.

Why I Watched It: I remember it scared my pants off when I was a kid and I hadn't seen it in at least 10 years.

What I Thought: I must have scared easily as a child.

Some horror movies hold up remarkably well. The prime example of this would be Aliens. The film's pacing, atmosphere, and action make it one of the greatest horror films of all time!

Some films just don't hold up over the years at all. Despite the best efforts of such acting powerhouses as Peter Weller (Robocop), Richard Crenna (Rambo's Colonel), Daniel Stern (Home Alone's burglar), and Ernie Hudson (the black Ghostbuster), Leviathan pretty much sucked.

Highlights: Weller's baby blues? I'm reaching here...

Who Should See It: Anybody that loves cheesy '80s horror. Everyone else can skip it.

How Soon: It's not going anywhere and I don't think it'll get any worse if you wait a few more years. Wait, maybe it will...

The Hills Have Eyes 2 - 2007

What It Is: Bland sequel the recent, mildly enjoyable, remake of The Hills Have Eyes.

Why I Watched It: Military Horror is a favorite sub-genre of mine, so I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

What I Thought: The best, this movie was not. It's predecessor was only mildly entertaining and THHE2 couldn't even manage that.

Congratulations Martin Weisz! You've succeeded in portraying exactly what it's like to be stalking mutated monstrosities through old mine shafts. Mostly, it's pretty dark.

THHE2 and The Descent (another recent horror flick) both strive so hard to get the feel of being in a dark scary place right, that they forget how boring it is too watch movies when there's nothing on screen to see. Maybe other people are into this kind of thing, but restricted vision in movies and video games is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Not that Mr. Weisz will ever read this, but I'll provide him an educational example anyway. Silence of the Lambs handled the "plunge into darkness" bit famously. Clarice couldn't see a damn thing, but we could see everything through Bill's night vision goggles. We could see exactly how scared she was. Our vision wasn't impaired at all, but we were still shaking in our respective boots because we knew exactly what she was going through.

Movies are an audio/visual experience. Don't cut out half of that beautiful pair unless you've got the balls to make something great out of it. I hate to say it Mr. Weisz, but your balls were kind of sad.

Highlights: Um... the end credits? That's a little harsh, but THHE2 really wasn't very good. It's wasn't painfully awful, but it definitely wasn't good.

Who Should See It: Nobody. It's not worth it.

How Soon: See above comment...